"The Audition"

Hi, sir. Hands piece of paper to auditioner.

Ah, on the X, sir? Stands on the X.

My name is Vanz, sir. Vanz Perlas. Where I come from, sir? I come from Pangasinan sir. There are many Perlas in Pangasinan, sir. Our whole family sir, is Perlas. That’s our family name. Perlas like the pearl.

Beat. Oh, this? I actually borrowed a polo shirt from my neighbour but I fell asleep on the bus and someone stole my bag, sir.

Beat. Oh, these? Looks at his bare feet. Uh, because sir when my bag got stolen, sir, my money was in it. And then the conductor found out—we were still in Pampanga—I have no money to pay for ticket, so he kicked me out. I walked the rest of the way sir, but on the fifth day of walking my tsinelas gave way na, sir. They were broken. So I have no more tsinelas, see? Shows black feet.

I am 20 years old now, sir. Uhm, what I came here for? I came here to audition, sir. I heard you have a movie, sir, and I want to audition. Beat. Uh, I saw it on the TV sir. “Looking for Pinoy with talent.” Sir, I’m pinoy and I’m with talent.

Beat. Oh, no sir, I have no acting experience. This is my first time to audition.

Beat. What, sir? The auditions are over? Beat. The auditions were three days ago? Oh, no! Three days ago, sir, I was still walking along SLEX so I can get here. Beat. Sir, maybe you can give me a chance. I really want to be an actor, sir. Beat.

Okay, sir. I’ll go home now. You know, sir, it’s for my sister, really. I told her she will see me on TV and she said if she sees me on TV she will laugh. That’s why I’m here sir. I want to be on TV. I already memorized the script sir.

Beat. Yes, sir, I’m going now. You know what, sir, my sister? She is the most beautiful sister in the world. You know, my mom used to say, “Ay! How beautiful my baby girl! Just like her mother!”

And then my dad, he will say, “When your little sister was born the night sky became darker.” I would say, “Why?” And he will say “Because God took some of the stars down from heaven and put them in your sister’s eyes.”

It’s true, sir! My sister is beautiful. Especially when she laughs. There are stars in her eyes that sparkle when she laughs.

Beat. Yes, sir. I’m going home now, sir. You know, sir. My sister cannot read, so I read to her. I love to read her stories. Then one day my dad gave her a gift. A large-screen color TV sir. Twelve inches. I promised her she’ll see me on TV. I will dance like Jan-Jan the boy macho dancer! But you know you said the audition was three days ago and three days ago I was still in C5 so I’m going home now, sir.

Beat. My sister is sick, sir. We have no money to pay for her medicine. When my sister got sick, she stopped laughing sir. And then we can’t see the stars in her eyes anymore. That’s why I want to be on TV sir, so she can see me and she will laugh again.

Beat. Okay, sir. Going home now. Uh, sir, you know, I walked all the way here and I lost my tsinelas already. I know the auditions are over, but if you please, if it’s okay, I’d like to recite the lines anyway. If it’s all right with you. I memorized the script sir and I walked for five days just to get here. Maybe you will just allow me just three minutes to say my monologue?

Beat. Thank you very much sir! Uhm, this is from the scene with Alan and Vernice at the beach! Alan pushes Vernice who is sitting on the wheel chair.

“Here you go, Vernice! Just like I promised you. I told you I’ll take you to the sea to watch the sunset.”

And Vernice says, “Oh, Kuya Alan! It’s so beautiful!”

And Alan says, “Yes. It is beautiful. Very beautiful.” And then they were both silent for a while, just watching the sunset.

Beat.

And then Vernice says, “Kuya Alan, where do people go when they die?”

And then Alan says, “Oi! Mama told us we should never talk about bad things! Only happy things!”

And Vernice says, “Mama’s not here. She can’t hear us. Please, Kuya, please tell me where I will go. Will it be the same place that Papa went?”

And Alan says, “I suppose. Yes. When Papa died, he went to The Very Happy Place.”

And Vernice says, “The Very Happy Place! I wish that’s where I will go, too.”

And Alan says, “Ah, I said Mama said don’t talk sad things already!”

And Vernice says, “Tell me about that happy place! Tell me what is there.”

And Alan says, “Ah, I think we should go back in now. The hamog will not be good for you.”

And Vernice says, “Please, Kuya. Please tell me about that happy place.”

And Alan says, “Okay. The happy place. That’s where Papa is now. It’s a beautiful place, like this one. Over there, you can watch the sunset as many times as you want, for as long as you want. And then you can swim in the sea. You can swim and swim and not drown. And the sea is sweet, not salty. You can even walk on water!

And there, you can dance. I bet that’s what Papa is doing now. He is dancing. There we will find the best Doctor for you and He will heal you and you will never have sickness again.

And there, you have a big-screen TV. Much bigger than our TV: 24 inches! And all the angels watch TV all the time.

And Vernice says, “All the time?!”

And Alan says, “Yes! All the time! You know what they are watching?”

And Vernice says, “What?”

And Alan says, “They’re watching you!”

And Vernice says, “Me?”

And Alan says, “Yes! They are watching you. They are watching you on TV as you laugh. And when you laugh your eyes sparkle like the stars and the place becomes brighter.”

But Vernice doesn’t hear what his kuya is saying anymore. Because at that moment, Vernice... Vernice dies. But, but Alan does not know. He just talks and watches the sun set and then when it was evening, Alan looked up, and he has never seen so many stars before. So many stars. The night was so bright. And Alan does not know that it is because the stars that used to reside in Vernice’s eyes already returned to the sky.

Sir, thank you for letting me recite the monologue even though there’s no more audition, sir. Let me get my bio-data back. You don’t need this anymore. I have a long way to walk to get back home.

-=-=-=-

Okay, that's it. That's not completely original. It's based on a scene I saw many years ago in a play by Repertory Philippines about a girl who walked all the way from the alps of Russia, I think, to audition for a play. It was played by Liesl Batucan and I can never forget the simple sincerity (or the sincere simplicity) with which she did it. Also I need to change the name because I know someone named "Vanz Perla" in real life.

PETA Summer Acting Workshop, Day 1

Lest I forget, I want to log in the lessons I learned in the PETA Summer Basic Acting Workshop I am currently enrolled in.

First, I am thankful that the instructor is Melvin Lee, whom I've had the privilege to work with many years ago in Tanghalang Pilipino's production of Himala the Musicale. He played the Priest, and Melvin can sing! What a voice! I also recall he led the best physical warm-ups for the company. Julia of PETA is his co-instructor.

Julia led us to isolation exercises, which I must list here so I don't forget. Head, neck, shoulders, arms, chest, hips, legs. Then the shake it all out with a shout exercise which we used to do in Teacher Ana Valdes-Lim's class.

Okay, we were made to find a partner, we did the Mirror Exercise, then the Sculpture & Clay. Then the... uh, let me call it, Add To The Scene, where one person improvises a pose and the next person adds to it, and the next and the next.

By the time I volunteered, it is no longer a frozen pose, but a movement, so all of us who were called to add to the improv should move. It was challenging and you need to keep thinking.

Then we were grouped and we were to make tableaus of something we were assigned (we chose from a random sheet of paper). We got: a basket that's about to break. Then the other teams are supposed to guess.

Okay, through these exercises we learned the elements of theatre which are: Line, Shape, Space, Movement, Texture, Sound, Rhythm and Color. All of which the Imagination is the limit.

Then some people stood up to do their monologues. They were lucky because their names got picked from sheets of folded paper. They were sorta uncomfortable to watch, but very brave! I resolve only to give positive feedback for whoever will do the scenes next. It's not easy to get up there and do a one-man scene!

Also, in my seat, I already thought of what monologue I'll do in case I get picked next. I'll post it here.

Thanks for listening.

What is an artist date?

A few days ago Dana tore off the front covers of a few of my softbound books. So I put her shoes on and we took a trip to the sari-sari stores to buy scotch tape. Dana enjoys spotting animals. She can identify "bird" and "'ats" (that's cats in Dana-speak, she always drops the 'k' sound, and she calls all dogs "ats").

Some of the stores were already closed so we walked around the block to Mercury Drug. We passed by a public school along Malakas Street and Dana laughed at the murals on the school walls. There were pictures of students smiling doing their homework and cleaning their surroundings with slogans such as "Clean and Green"--ideal, but far from reality. Dana enjoyed looking at them though and laughed at them with glee.

Note: I over-intellectualized. She simply enjoyed what she thought was amusing.

So it gave me an idea. We went to Arts Center on the fourth floor of Megamall. The current exhibition was portraits of musicians. There was one that my Dad would like: John Lennon and the Beatles. Dana didn't laught at the paintings though. So I went, hm... I thought she likes pictures?

There were bronze sculptures of ballerinas with exaggeratedly huge bums in dance poses. Dana laughed at those!

A-ha! Artist dates are meant to be what amuses you. What releases a childlike laugh from in you! I need that these days. Childlike laughter. Gleeful. Like a bird let out of its cage.

Bleat!

Inspired by an email from my Tita Rosella, and a url that my friend Ryan showed me, I am writing a blog on sheep. I'm not a shepherd but I know a lot about sheep because... well, I am one. And this sheep is in need of a shepherd.

I'm glad Jesus, the Good Shepherd, was willing to fill in the shoes.

According to sheep101.info, band together in large groups for protection. It is harder for a predator to pick up a sheep for dinner when it's in a flock. If it's a stray though, he's chicken feed.

And so, even though I resisted the idea of belonging to a d-group for the longest time, I now belong in one. Church community helps. I do know it's when Veck and I don't go attend d-group much that we quarrel more often. I also know that during rocky September last year, it was friends from the d-group who came to help us and pray for us.

Bleat Info: When one sheep moves, the rest will follow. When one sheep plunges down a cliff to its death, the rest jump, too. You bleat, I bleat. You jump, I jump.

Dumb, dumb, dumb... I shake my head at these sheep. But if I'm not careful, I follow the leader, too. I follow leading celebrities, leading TV shows, leading trends and pop psychology. I am easily swayed here and there. So as a dumb sheep, I ought to set my eyes on Jesus. I ought to follow Him. Not easy, but if He scales down a cliff, He'll be there. Maybe He'll even carry me on His shoulders.

Bleat Info: Sheep depend heavily upon their vision. Sheep have a very large pupil that is somewhat rectangular in shape. The eyeball is placed more to the side of the head, which gives sheep a much wider field of vision. With only slight head movement, sheep are able to scan their surroundings.

Perfect! But as Christians, we are admonished to live by faith, not by sight, and to fix our eyes on Jesus. I can be reading my Bible and I look up and voila! A world of stimuli ready to provide distraction. Or I can be at church and my eyes wander around: Who's going out with who? Oh, look, is that the new girlfriend? Oh, **** is coming this way. I certainly don't want to say Hi just right now.

Bleat Info: Sheep have poor depth perception (three dimensional vision), especially if they are moving with their heads up.

That explains it. I look at the outward appearance of people around me, and if I don't move closer, then I never get to know them better. Sometimes I don't even want to get there. Just surface is enough--and boom! I've made my mind up on judgments about this or that character. It also means I can be easily fooled.

Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart. Quite tough. I look at myself and I can't even see my own heart.

Bleat Info: Sheep have excellent hearing.

Excellent, it said. Now what am I listening to? The latest gossip? My own scheming thoughts? The chatter on TV? What was it that Jesus said? "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me." So I need to be careful what I listen to.

Bleat Info: Healthy sheep are almost always hungry. They will overeat, if we let them.

On my desk now is an empty bag of McDonald's large fries, a cup of Coke Zero, styro package of this morning's breakfast of rice and eggs, the empty carton box of Fillet O' Fish, a bottle of Lipton... and I am still hungry. Now I am thinking of caramel sundae. Wait! I just had DQ Caramel Sundae.

Why can't I be hungry for the things of God? Like peace, and justice, and compassion and love? Or how about cultivating a hunger for God's Word. The truth is, the hunger is there. It's built-in. It's a sign of health. But what I choose to fill that hunger inside me with can be unhealthy. I can choose to fill this deep sadness with sugar, sexual thoughts, bitterness. Or I can ask God to fill me.

Bleat Info: While sheep are generally a docile, non-aggressive animal, this is not usually the case with rams. Rams can be very aggressive and have been known to cause serious injuries, even death, to people. A ram should never be trusted, even if it is friendly or was raised as a pet.

People who have had the [un]fortunate privilege of getting to know me know I am not always brotherly. That I can hurt. I have hurt a lot of people in my life, and the people I love more often. The secret is sometimes I don't even regret hurting some people in my life. So yeah, I can't be trusted entirely. My heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked.

"Who really knows how bad it is?" Busted! But true.

"But I, the LORD, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve."

So what do I know then. Not much, really. I am as dumb as a ram. You know, I heard before that when a sheep is specially disobedient--like straying off to wolf territory in spite of repeated warnings--his shepherd would break his legs. Ouch! But that way he can't move out on his own any more. Then the shepherd takes this sheep, puts him on his shoulders, and carries him the entire time till his legs are healed enough.

Jesus carried my sins on the cross two thousand years ago. He said, "I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd sacrifices his life for the sheep."

I wonder how different my life would be with Jesus as my shepherd.

Psalm 23
1 The LORD is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.
2 He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
3 He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
4 Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,*
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.
5 You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the LORD
forever.

Lea Salonga... Second Chances

When emptiness is all there is to see
The joy that you once knew a distance memory
When the purpose of each morning is forgotten with each night
And it doesn’t seem to matter if you give up or you fight
Look again. That is when your world is about to change
Nothing in life is so permanent that love can’t rearrange

Second chances
Life is rich with second chances
Second songs with second dances, second melodies
For if you only got one shot
if what's for nothing's all you got
Your days will just be filled with single moments, single memories
But I believe hearts can conceive
Of more than one bright happy ending
Roads may split in two
You can’t go down both really fast
We know and yet we still forget
Our paths are never so unbending

Life has given you a second chance
Second chances
The world provides with second chances
New adventures, new romances, new responsibilities

For if you’re always looking back
Your eyes might miss the second track
You take no chances, seize no day, live no possibilities
But heart’s desire, hearts afire
A blaze you grow from a single ember
Yesterday turns toward tomorrow with brand new circumstance

What’s past is past but it’s not the last
We’re not alive to just remember

When life has said to you
"Not a chance, but two"

Life has granted you a second chance.

-=-=-=-=-

Beautiful song, isn't it? I feel there are some kinks in certain lines that need to be ironed out or re-written, like for a song that is positive there's a line that goes "You take no chances, seize no day, live no possibilities..." which is negative and quite didactic... but it is a beautiful song and Lea renders it beautifully.

It's from Allegiance the Musical, scheduled to come out on Broadway in 2012. I hope it becomes a hit and Lea earns another Tony for it. It's about the Japanese people. Well, that's as much as I know about the musical.

I post the song here because I want to believe that what the song says is true. That life IS filled with second chances. I'd love to have second chances at life. To take another shot at school, and mend relationships I've severed, erase regrets.

Playwrights are great teachers. They teach us about the world, about people, about ourselves. Read Shakespeare, Wilder, Rostand. Better yet, watch theatre! For example, PETA's Care Divas talked about the plight of OFWs in war-torn Israel... and about love. Recently World Theatre Project staged Macbeth, and it taught me what corruption is.

That's my advice today. Watch some theatre. I can't tell you for sure if life does give second chances. But when Allegiance comes out next year, we'll hear that from them and learn.

Amidst a culture of fake

But what if the culture among your colleagues is that of fakery? Of plasticity?

What if you're not used to that? What if in life you've learned that keeping one's integrity is not always easy but the better option? What if life experience has taught you that dishonesty only leads through more trouble--and who needs additional burdens in this day and age?

In a painful series of events, I recently found out that the team I work with at the office cannot be trusted completely. And for someone who already has trust issues, this was devastating. It takes me a while before I trust a person. Otherwise, I keep acquaintances at a distance. If I do trust a person, I let that person in my life and develop a deep level of friendship. With me, there is no middle ground. This was shown to me clearly by a friend of mine, who has these issues herself.

Now the problem presents itself when I've learned to trust a person who betrays me, or would not return the same commitment to friendship. It can be devastating. And in this case, it was. I thought I could trust my team with my heart, my creativity... I was wrong.

An air of phoniness has now set in and a game of politicking has kicked in. I don't want to take part in it. I can't. I don't want to lose my integrity for that. But what can I do? I'm afraid I'd be swallowed alive if I don't participate in the game--if I don't compromise my values.

I think the answer is simply DON'T. Don't compromise. Hold on. Hold fast. Trust that I am not friendless, that Someone promised to look out for me and never leave me, and that Someone is Truth. In the same way, I was advised to stretch my patience and compassion. Not everyone has equal level of understanding in these matters. Some probably are not still awake enough to comprehend spiritual issues surrounding this. And for these people, I must extend an open acceptance of who they are and the level of consciousness they're in, just as I have my own limitations to my level of consciousness.

In all these, to trust God. Trust God. Continue to be as honest as I can, continue to learn what I can, and to trust God.

So amidst a culture of dishonesty, be compassionate, understanding, open-minded, and honest. Never lose the honesty. Just be more expansive, inclusive. In my mind there can be space enough for acceptance of everyone in my life now.

-=-=-

And some encouraging words from friends:

"Disappointments in life makes us tough. Sometimes it's not a battle of what is right and wrong but what we have come out of it."

“If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.” [John 15:19]

"Love is patient."

-=-=-

Extending patience. I need to learn this lesson now. Because this is in preparation for something in the future. And if I don't learn kind consideration and patience now then it'll be harder in the future.

Last night I read about Joshua in the Bible. That part of the Bible is all about land and how the Israelites, once slaves in Egypt, are now claiming their inheritance from God. Well, the land is theirs, God gave it to them as the Promised Land, and now it's theirs for the taking. Joshua 17.14-18 records some people complaining about it, though. They were asking for more land. Joshua says, "Well, go fight for it!" Like move! Do what you need to do. It's theirs for the taking, so take it.

I realize I'm like that sometimes. You know, God has promised us blessings and to help us but [if] I don't do my part, then I don't get it.

Caleb, in Joshua 14.6-15, is the opposite. He claimed and fought for the land that was promised to him by God--and that showed faith. Faith does involve action.

Two days ago God instructed me to apologize to the members of the team at work. I didn't want to do it. I felt that they should apologize to me! But I obeyed, leaving the results up to Him.

Earlier today the instructions were to try to make contact with one of the team members, to just see things from his perspective.

I need to trust God in this. I owe it to Him. I owe it to Jesus who purchased me with the most precious thing ever: His life. I owe it to the Christians all over the world who are persecuted. What is this that I am experiencing compared to their travails? And yet they're faithful. And God is faithful.

I need to learn to be faithful.

Disappointment

Maybe I should briefly tell the story of my discouragement. It can be a long story, so if I write a long winding email thank you for your patience. I scheduled to share this grievance with a confidante as per the task, but the person backed out. So I'm sharing it here.

Our boss from Australia sent us P10,000 so we our team (of six people, myself included) can spend on fun! We're to take half-day from work and spend the rest of the day eating out, or doing whatever, for team building purposes. We met about where we will eat and I suggested if we can take part of that amount (say P1,000) and give it to charity. After all, the amount is more than enough for all of us, and we all have salaries that can pay for restaurants, etc. The money is a sweet bonus from our boss.

One suggested that true charity means money comes out of your own pocket, and one another said that the P1,000 can better be spent on Starbucks. Well, the rest didn't say anything, and when we finished the meeting, I saw our team leader (I'm only second-in-command in this team) put in the P1,000 for charity and the rest of the money for our team building. So I believed everything to be settled.

Naturally, being the two team leaders, we emailed our boss. The first team leader said we're eating at this restaurant of choice. I emailed him that the team is giving P1,000 to charity under the name of the company. I also suggested Metro Ministries, a charity institution that helps homeless children giving them food, shelter, medical attention, clothes. The boss approved the charity and the restaurant.

A week after that, when we found out that the restaurant will cost P1,400 each for lunch... and since there's six of us that'll be P8,400 + 1,000 (for charity) and only a remaining P600 left for whatever, the team changed its mind and said they don't want to give the P1,000 for charity and instead spend it all on team building. They were, they said, willing to give out of their pockets for charity instead. They also said that I was imposing this on them, that I coerced them into giving! I felt crushed. I used to think highly of these people, but after this change of heart and mind, I saw them as lacking integrity and compassion. This was so sad because I actually sent them a profile of Metro Ministries and a photo of the young boy, Jimmy, who will receive the P1,000 donation.

I apologized to the group if I ever made them feel coerced into giving. After I recovered from initial shock, I emailed my boss and told him that the team would rather not give the P1,000 to charity. It's my boss's money. He has the right to know where we're spending it.

Almost immediately my boss messaged me on Skype asking if it was the whole team's decision. I had to be honest, I told him. I said, it was majority. I also told him that I wanted to give the P1,400 that was supposedly for my lunch treat and give that to charity, and I can pay for my own lunch during the team building.

My boss said that won't be necessary. He said he'll still send the P10,000 for us, and an additional P2,000 to give to charity. I was so thankful!

But even that didn't settle the issue with my teammates. They felt I painted them in a bad light in the eyes of my boss, that they were willing to give to charity out of their own pockets and it was unprofessional of me to email him.

The next day I didn't join them for lunch. One of my friends here in the office said that my team were making fun of charity, saying, "Don't finish your lunch! Leave half of it and give it to the poor!" and they were all laughing and mocking. Then they reported me to the local supervisors and soon I found myself in a room with the two Filipino supervisors and the rest of the team.

The team said I assumed they agreed to giving the P1,000 and then jumped the gun by emailing our Aussie boss. I said, I saw it put in the budget! I thought you all were in agreement. And they said I imposed it on them. I looked at the team leader, asking him to say that he did put it in budget and that at that time it was a decision, but he didn't say anything. I was thrown under the bus! The supervisors said it was all my fault, and they all felt happy having someone to blame. The newest of the team even called me unprofessional for showing him how to improve his writing--which is my job as quality control for the team!

I said, "I can never be friends with people like you." And I have never spoken to them ever since, unless it's related to work.

So now I'm stuck working with people who have zero integrity. Why can't they take the example of my boss? He approved the P1,000 for charity, and even when the rest went against that, he still gave to honor his word! I grieve the loss of friendships I had with the team, but really, I'd rather not be friends with them. I told them we don't have to be enemies, but I can't be friends with you anymore.

Well, that's the gist of it. I think I shall write about this some more in the coming days. It may be expurgative, therapeutic for me. And new things happen every day.

Thanks for listening.

Times, Tenth Avenue North

I know I need You

I need to love You

I love to see You, but it's been so long

I long to feel You

I feel this need for You

I need to hear You

Is that so wrong?

Now You pulled me near You

When we're close I fear You

Still I'm afraid to tell You

All that I've done

Are You done forgiving?

Or can you look past my pretending?

Lord, I'm so tired of defending

What I've become

What have I become?

I hear You say:

My love is over, it's underneath

It's inside, it's in between

The times you doubt Me; when you can't feel

The times that you've questioned, 'Is this for real?'

The times you've broken, the times that you mend

The times you hate Me and the times that you bend

Well My love is over, it's underneath

It's inside, it's in between,

These times you're healing

And when your heart breaks

The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace

The times you're hurting

The times that you heal

The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal

In times of confusion and chaos and pain

I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame

I'm there through your heartache

I'm there in the storm

My love, I will keep you by My power alone

I don't care where you've fallen; where you have been

I'll never forsake you

My love never ends, it never ends.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I recently heard this song over Klove.com. I needed to hear it. I needed to believe that God's love stays with me at all times.

Art Restoration

I now gaze at Michelangelo's The Creation Of Adam on my computer. I follow with my eyes the slope Adam reclines on and study closely God's flowing beard. I stretch my finger touching that space between Adam's and God's fingers--eternally reaching out to each other to close that gap which is the largest chasm in all of human history.

This painting is not in any museum but is among many other pictorial scenes adorning the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in Rome completed in 1481. Two hundred years later, the ceiling would suffer from water leaks. Simone Lagi arduously wiped the ceiling with linen cloths and rubbed it with bread. This was what has come to be known as art restoration or conservation. Now there are more modern and technologically-advanced techniques in art restoration, but it doesn't make the task any less arduous.

We don't see this--and maybe we never will--but we are works of art. We are masterpieces of the Creator, the Great Artist. "We are God's worksmanship," Paul wrote. We are His poetry, His obra maestra, His pièce de résistance in all of Creation. We would need His eyes to see us as we truly are.

My niece posted on Facebook, to my chagrin, a picture of me at six years old, bright-eyed and self-content. I was in a bright yellow shirt sipping a Coke. I looked at that child as if he wasn't me. If I could find that child I would apologize to him. I'd say "I'm sorry this is who you came out to 23 years later. I'm sorry I made you go through bad decisions. I wished I'd have done better." What I really wanted to say is I wish I never allowed sin into my life.

Sin has damaged me. Sin has damaged my relationships. Sin is the death of me. Ten years ago I wouldn't have cared less--a teenager rebelling against my dad, partying till the AM, and allowing others to treat me any way they wanted. "I'm worthless," I told myself, and believed it, too. If I were any piece of art, I'd be the picture of Dorian Gray. Restoring me would need more than the occasional swab of linen cloth and spongy bread.

Restoring me required that the Son of God, my Creator, would suffer and die for my sins. It would require that He shed His blood completely. It would require stripes on His back, thorns on His head, and nails on His hand and feet. And as He went through these 2000 years ago He looked forward to Rico restored, to Rico rejoicing in His presence. In three days He broke through the grave that couldn't hold Him.

When Ondoy hit us my father-in-law came to live with us as the self-appointed nanny to my daughter. There was good in this because he stopped drinking and regained a vigor he lost when he retired. Which meant of course I had to make certain adjustments: not all my decisions as man-of-the-house were carried out if my father-in-law was against it. The stench of cigarette smoke hung around the house like a specter. And we would have his favorite crab day after day after day. I'm vegetarian. I thought these were small sacrifices in exchange for seeing my cynic-to-the-Gospel father-in-law attending Sunday celebration.

But I reached a boiling point. In about a year we were at each other's throats, like steamed crabs with giant claws. With a harsh exchange of words he moved out, along with my petulant sister-in-law who was staying with us, too at that time. My wife was devastated, but I felt I only did the right thing. I was not without any self-justification or self-pity for doing what I did. My father-in-law and I have never spoken to each other since.

These were my choices. I wanted to stick by them. But they weren't necessarily godly choices. God's will is for me to forgive my father-in-law, to reach out to him in humility, and to pursue love above all. I can seek to restore this broken relationship ony after and in much prayer for strength and wisdom, in meeting with him, and humbly listening to his heart. Naturally I am reluctant.

Have you noticed that Adam's hand and gaze in Michelangelo's painting are slack? His arm and forefinger are relaxed. Contrast that with God's outstretched arm and finger and eager gaze, as if He is doing all in His power to come in contact with the man He created and loves. In God there is strong intent and action to fill that gap between Him and man. In Jesus, that gap was closed forever.

Excuse me. I'll need to stop writing now. I'll pray to the God of restoration and healing. Then I'll give my father-in-law a call. I'll reach out to him and close the gap. This is what Jesus did for me with His blood.

Nothing is more important than relationships

The Relationship Principles Of Jesus day one

I frankly feel this is another huge marketing scheme by Saddleback... old message (in fact ancient message since Biblical times), a tried format of 40 days, a marketing ploy of dispersing to churches worldwide to study the book in small groups, complete with video, study guides which will be greatly supplemented if you buy Tom Holladay's book on which this whole thing is based on. All this was done in the Purpose Driven Life Campaign many years ago based on a book written by Rick Warren of Saddleback Church.

Tom Holladay's writing sounds a lot like Rick Warren's. It's a little... churchy. Pastor-talk. I've my own favorite Christian authors and those mentioned above are not in my list. Tom and Rick are associate pastors of Saddleback so it's not as if Tom wrote a book independently and from another part of the country and Rick read it, caught on its promise, and contacted Tom to convince him to turn the book into a PDL take 2 campaign. (PDL has seen decrease in sales in the recent years.)

Having said all my critique, I will never deny how God used Rick Warren and the Purpose Driven Life book and campaign to transform many, many lives. I never finished reading it, though. At least not in the one chapter a day format. Not that it's a terrible bore... the topics are really relevant! But it's the writing I don't like. (If you're curious who my favorite Christian writers are, just nudge me and I'll spill.) But reading through PDL I thought, bleah, I'd rather go straight to the source and read the Bible instead of this rehash.

So here I am in 2011, and tonight I'm supposed to facilitate a small group on ta-dah! The Relationship Principles of Jesus. I read the first chapter today and my thoughts are... You Can't Do That!

No, Tom, you can't! You can't tell me to "place the highest value on relationships" just with that short chapter. I need something more than that. I need... convincing, motivation, drive. I need something that speaks to my humanity. I can't be a robot that does what it's told.

Tom uses Mark 12 as his basis. While I have no questions that to love God and others is the greatest commandments, that wouldn't be enough for me to obey 100%. I am, after all, human. Praise God He knows this!

God doesn't just say "Love me!" God actually gives us reason and power (energy, spirit, drive--you get the picture) to do that. The Bible says we love because He first loved us. First John 4:10 says, "This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins."

And there it is! That's why I can love God and love others. Because God loved me first, even before I was born. Tom might have forgotten to mention this, but Peter Tan-Chi didn't, when he spoke about this topic last Sunday at CCF. Neither did my small group leader forget. Kuya Mon, after going through the video and discussion questions with us immediately went into the Gospel. The Gospel is the good news of God's love for us. Because of the Gospel, I am enabled to place the highest value on relationships.

Let me talk a bit about God's love. God is the most wonderful, magnificent friend a person can ever have... and He wants me—despicable me—more than I can ever want Him. I don't understand it! He wants to have a relationship with me so much He suffered and died just to make it possible. "Yes, by God's grace, Jesus tasted death for everyone" (Hebrews 2:9).

I do know that the father ran to his son (Luke 15:20), not the other way around.

The way I used to do it is base my lovability on how I feel and how I perform. If I do good, I feel good, and I feel loved by God, naturally. But when I foul things up, which I do often being human, when I trip and fall, I feel rotten, unlovable. Then I become convinced God hates me.

But God's love is unconditional. Nothing I can do can make Him love me more. Nothing I have done can make Him love me less. My lovability is not based on who I am or my person. It is based on who God is. God is love. God loves me. That's how it is from the beginning. And I can't change that. It's truth long before I was born.

What's more, Jesus took the fall for my sins. Then, He embraces me and kisses me in His love. Everything was done so I can come.

Consider this. I have sinned against God. I don't deserve to have a relationship with Him. But He made a way. He paid the price. He did it all.

And now I come. I come to Him. I come and I want to say, "I want to love You back. And I want to tell others about your love. And I want to love others like You do."

Listen to the lyrics of this song by Hillsong.

The spiritual and the secular

When I was younger in the faith and in the arts, I was accepted as an apprentice in a Christian theatre arts ministry. I learned a lot of good from them, but learned some bad also in the mix. One such learning was that being Christian, all my work must be exclusively for God's only, which was translated into: secular theatre work is bad. For years I had this thinking and shunned auditioning for theatre other than evangelistic community theatre. In this arts ministry, I learned acting second-hand, because I was rarely recognized for my talent. I was made to play second fiddle to my co-apprentices who were deemed more talented than me.

Each time I did make something worthy (my writing was something none of my other co-apprentices could do so I was recognized for it), I will be praised but immediately admonished that it's for God and I shouldn't feel satisfaction for it. To make sure of that, there would be all sorts of critique for my work--particularly if it were written in the genre of fantasy and did not mention "God" at all. But even in my "Christian genre" writing, that was criticized, too.

I never once thought that this was out of ordinary. I remember a member of that group once auditioned for a local musical of CS Lewis's "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" and that was disapproved. Only now do I remember all these incidents in my work with JC's books.

I wish I can go back in time and help myself as young artist by being the gentle mentor I needed at that time.

In one bold move, I took a hiatus from that group and auditioned for other theatre productions--where I was recognized for my drive, my discipline, and my talent in acting--something that I never received from the former group. These being secular productions, I heard all these accolades with a twinge of guilt. And my former theatre groups interpreted my leaving my company as losing my faith. Still, steadily, I really learned to act from my secular directors and gained a trust in my talent. Sometimes I would show up in my former theatre group, but nothing has changed there. I still was treated as a second-class talent in spite of my outside work.

Well, that Christian theatre group has now dissolved. None of its members turned out to be that committed to theatre work, and in contrast, here I still am, with a hunger and passion for theatre.

Last Sunday at church, the minister said something about the spiritual and the secular. He said anything done for the Lord is spiritual--whether it be our desk jobs. I was like, a ha! All those times I did secular theatre but prayed backstage dedicating that work to God--then it's not secular theatre after all! The minister went on to say that all seemingly spiritual work like ministry, if not done for the Lord, isn't spiritual at all.

That healed me. So I thought I just might share it here.

Happy Valentine's Day!

How He Loves Us, David*Crowder Band

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us.

-=-=-=-=-=-

I share this video because I listen a lot to K-Love.com and that's where I first encountered this song. I need to be reminded of what David Crowder writers here: He loves us.

God loves us! No condition, no exemption.

Customized Affirmations from The Artist's Way at Work

Julia Cameron's groundbreaking book, The Artist's Way, has helped more than a million people access their creativity and realize their dreams. Now, at the urging of their students, authors Mark Bryan, Julia Cameron, and Catherine Allen expand the original Artist's Way tools in an all-new program specifically addressing the world of the workplace.

The Artist's Way at Work blends cutting-edge ideas on creativity and group dynamics with the timeless values of integrity and simplicity to produce a powerful process that will assist you in whatever work you pursue.

The result will be a heightened sense of adventure, excitement, creativity, and satisfaction—not only in your business, but in your whole life as a whole.

- from the back of the book

The Artist's Way at Work suggests that you use some affirmations for your workplace. Here are some:

1. My creativity profits me and others.
2. My creativity is clear and expansive.
3. I trust and use my creative impulses.
4. My creativity is safe and exciting.
5. As I trust my creativity, it becomes stronger.
6. My creativity flourishes.
7. My creativity brings joy to me and my world.
8. There is a divine plan of goodness for me and my work.
9. As I create and listen, I am led.
10. I am willing to create.
11. I am willing to use my creative talents.
12. Through using a few simple tools, my creativity flourishes.
13. I am allowed to nurture my creativity.
14. My creativity leads me to friendship and service.
15. I am a conduit of God to create good things.
16. My creativity is God-given.
17. Using my creativity is a gift back to God.
18. I allow creativity to flow through me.
19. I welcome a flow of creative ideas.
20. I act on my creative impulses with faith and clarity.
    

dil·i·gence

Okay... sometimes I really get too lazy when I'm at work. I end up daydreaming or playing an online game addiction instead of facing the task at hand.

So to help me, I collected some verses from Proverbs. I post them here to serve me as inspiration, as a net for casting a vision, as a through-line setting a goal, or as a cheerleading squad. I know I'll need this sooner or later.

I'm posting the list here so I can just glance at it instead of leafing through my notebook where I wrote these down.

The Proverbs on diligence

A wise youth harvests in the summer,
but one who sleeps during harvest is a disgrace.

Lazy people irritate their employers,
like vinegar to the teeth or smoke in the eyes.

A hard worker has plenty of food,
but a person who chases fantasies has no sense.

Wise words bring many benefits,
and hard work brings rewards.

Work hard and become a leader;
be lazy and become a slave.

Lazy people don't even cook the game they catch,
but the diligent make use of everything they find.

Lazy people want much but get little,
but those who work hard will prosper.

Work brings profit,
but mere talk leads to poverty!

A lazy person's way is blocked with briers,
but the path of the upright is an open highway.

A lazy person is as bad as
someone who destroys things.

Lazy people take food in their hand
but don't even lift it to their mouth.

Those too lazy to plow in the right season
will have no food at the harvest.

If you love sleep, you will end in poverty.
Keep your eyes open, and there will be plenty to eat!

Good planning and hard work lead to prosperity,
but hasty shortcuts lead to poverty.

Despite their desires, the lazy will come to ruin,
for their hands refuse to work.
Some people are always greedy for more,
but the godly love to give!

he lazy person claims, "There's a lion out there!
If I go outside, I might be killed!"

Do you see any truly competent workers?
They will serve kings
rather than working for ordinary people.

I walked by the field of a lazy person,
the vineyard of one with no common sense.
I saw that it was overgrown with nettles.
It was covered with weeds,
and its walls were broken down.
Then, as I looked and thought about it,
I learned this lesson:
A little extra sleep, a little more slumber,
a little folding of the hands to rest—
then poverty will pounce on you like a bandit;
scarcity will attack you like an armed robber.

A hard worker has plenty of food,
but a person who chases fantasies ends up in poverty.

Okay, here's my plan. If I need a break either because laziness sets in, or I'm genuinely tired, I look at this list, grab one, and meditate on it. May God's Word do its work in me.

Baby Steps, a silly kindergarten ditty

Baby steps! Baby steps!
These delight the Father.
Baby steps, careful/confident
They bring joy to Mother.

Baby steps, little feet
God is their Maker.
Not to run ahead
but to walk in step
with the God of baby steps.

Borrowed story: Doug Nichols in the toilet

Doug Nichols tells of his experience in missions:

When I finished Bible school, the school had to put me in special tutoring class. They tutored me through school because I could not read well, or study well, and then could not do things. I applied to 30 different missions. I wanted to be a missionary. I felt God calling me to Him and people would say, "Ah, forget it, you'll never be able to be a missionary." I applied to 30 different missions, finally one accepted me on a trial basis.

For two years, I went to India with the group called Operation Mobilization and I was so excited on being with these Indian believers, these leaders because Indians taught me, train me in ministry. Indians did train me, and as we were down south in India, they would teach me how to preach and how to give gospel tracts and how to share the gospel. I was so excited. And I was preaching one day, I began to cough, cough and it got worse and worse and they discovered that I had tuberculosis, very serious tuberculosis.

We had no money so I had to go into a government TB center, and I was so discouraged. The only reason they let me in was because someone died that day and they let me have his bed. They didn't even change the sheets. I'm in a corner and I'm discouraged at that filthy, smelly, people dying all around, no money, only one meal a day. So I thought at least I can go from bed to bed and distribute gospel tracts.

I started going from bed to bed and people would look at this tract and look at me and they tear it up and they throw it back in my face. Because they didn't like this American taking the place of an Indian in the TB sanctuary. So nobody would talk to me, everybody would treat me badly, I couldn't even give out tracts. Most people can at least give out tracts. I couldn't even do that effectively. So I went to sleep that night very discouraged.

About 2:30 in the morning, I woke up, coughing. Do you think that God has anything to do with our sickness? Do you believe in the sovereignty of God? I woke up at 2:30 coughing and as I was coughing trying to catch my breath from the tuberculosis. I looked across on the other side of the room and one of the patients was trying to get out of bed. He would get out of bed, he'd take a few steps and had fall back in bed. He get out of bed, take a few steps and fall back. He was so weak he could not walk that he laid down in bed and I heard him cry. I didn't know what's going on, I couldn't speak the language, I couldn't ask what's wrong, I'm sick, he's sick. But he begin to cry, well, I went back to sleep.

I woke up the next morning and I knew what had happened. He was simply trying to get up to go to the toilet. But because he was so weak, he couldn't get to the toilet. So he went to the toilet in his bed and the stench was so bad and people were upset and the other people were yelling at him. One threw a tea cup and threw it at him. When the nurses come in to change the bed, one of them slapped him in the top of the head. Terrible!

That night we went to bed again. And again, at 2:30 in the morning, I woke up coughing. As I coughed, I looked across the aisle and there was the old man and he was trying to get out of bed again. I knew now what was happening. But I did the same thing that many of you would, I began to reason. This was not my responsibility. Why don't the Indians take care of themselves? Let the Indians take care of themselves! Besides, where are the nurses? Where are the doctors? How come they're not taking care of this old man? But he was still trying to get out of bed to go to the toilet and nobody was helping him and I remembered a verse.

I memorized it a year before, "He that knows the right thing to do and does not do it to him it is sin." And so I knew I had to do something, reluctantly, not with any joy, I walked across to the other side of the room, he'd already laid back in bed and he was crying. He knew what was going to happen and I tap him on the shoulder and his eyes came to open and with fear and I said something you know, I smiled at him and I just put this arm under his back and this arm under his legs and I picked him up. I was weak but I was not weak like him. And I stumbled down the hallway and into the corner and to this filthy, filthy toilet. And then, I'm sensitive to bad smells and filthy and I held him and he relieved himself. And when he finished, I picked him up and took him into my arms again and took him back to his bed and as I lay him down on his bed, my face was near his and he kissed right here, kissed me right there. He said something in Maliala that I didn't understand.

I went back to my bed and collapsed with fatigue and immediately went to sleep. About 5:00 in the morning, I felt a tap on my shoulder and I opened my eyes and there was a man with a cup of steaming hot chai. I thought, what is this? Breakfast in bed? He gave me the tea and stepped back and opened his hands like a book. He indicated he wanted a gospel tract. Now, isn't that something? The day before they're tearing it up, now, they're coming to my bed with tea and asking for a gospel tract. Wow, I wonder what happened? And I gave him a gospel tract, I was so excited.

About a few minutes later, another patient came to my bed, and another patient, and another patient. By 10:00 that day, 350 patients either came to my bed asking for my tract or sending someone else to get one for them. And for the next several weeks or months, I'm not sure how many of those people turn from sin to the Savior because of the gospel. But you know what opened the door? Something that any of you could have done, simply taking an old man to the bathroom, open the door to all these people to come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ and you could do the very same thing.

Borrowed story: Doug Nichols in Greenhills

Doug Nichols showed me the value of kindness in a harsh world. This is his story:

I had to have a load more time put time on my phone and I was over at Greenhills shopping mall. I asked someone and said, "Go there."

So I walked up to one of the counters to have your load put on your phone. As I walked up, they saw this tall old missionary walk up to them. Evidently they did not like Americanos. They started calling me names. "What do you want you ugly Americano?" "Where did you get that nose? Looks like a saging, a banana nose" and they started saying things, and they laughing and making fun of me and my looks.

So they started putting the load on my phone and one of them started some very shameful things to me, very cruel and foul and using sexual terms and just is terrible. And I was so embarrassed, so embarrassed I found myself getting red with embarrassment. I was so ashamed that people would even talk to anybody like that. So I paid for my phone and I turned and as I walked away they said some terrible things to me, very bad things, couldn’t even repeat them.

One hour later, I’m walking, still in Greenhills, I finished all my appointments and walking back to my car and I passed Krispy Kreme donuts. Oh I shouldn’t say Krispy Kreme donuts today, should I? But I was on the other side. You know I do not like Krispy Kreme donuts because you just walk by the place you gain 5 pounds. And so, they were baking some fresh donuts and you could smell the bread, you could smell the donuts. As I smell the bread, I’m walking towards my car I’m still feeling so badly about what happened an hour before and then all of a sudden I remembered the verse "Pray for those who despitefully use you and say all manner of evil against you. Pray for them, be exceedingly glad."

All of a sudden I remember those people in that phone shop and I knew what God was leading me to do. So I walked over across the street to Krispy Kreme. I ordered 6 donuts, when they gave me the bill I said, "I just want to buy donuts, I don’t want to buy the store." They put them in a bag and I put some gospel tracts in the bag, about 50 of them. And then I walked back over to that where that phone shop was and as I walked up they saw me and they began to say the bad words again but when I got up to the counter I put the Krispy Kreme donuts and I said, "Para sa iyo" and they all asked "Sir, what is this?"

"Oh, it’s 3 o’ clock. It’s merienda time. This is for you. I want to bless you in Jesus’ name."

And then they changed totally, completely. I took out the gospel tracks and I gave to them. "This is how to tell you how you can turn from sin to the Savior." And then I turned and I walked away and as I walked away do you what they said? "Thanks mister for talking to us. Thanks mister for coming here today."