Some good things never last

It pays to listen to the signals of the Universe. For example, if you keep meeting your ex in the last few days, find out the status of your current relationship. See if you’re in danger of losing him or her and gaining another ex.

Dreams should be listened to as well. I once dreamed my father died. But I knew he wanted me to reach down into the pockets of his corpse in the coffin and get the loads of money he hid down there. I knew what the dream meant at that time and glad I heeded it.

Recently, I bumped into an ex. It’s kind of hard to avoid the person at that moment. I realize I didn’t have hard feelings on the ex. I wasn’t angry at the person. In fact I only have compassion for X.

What I realized was that I was angry at myself. I saw how I ordered my life around that person, fixing and rescheduling my days and weekends to suit X’s. I was angry at myself for playing the fool, moving mountains just to spend a little more time with X when we were still a couple.

I remember sharply the day this hit me. This was long ago. We were supposed to watch a play. I reserved our tickets, made arrangements for getting leaves from work, and planned to stay out to the wee hours of the night in Taumbayan. Taumbayan is a bar where theater actors hang out. I thought it’d be interesting to go there after watching the play.

On that day, hours before our date, I learned my date wasn’t having a good time. A series of events caused agitated my date. I thought to call off the theater date, but hoped that maybe, if we have a good time in the theater, it would make up for the sour day my date had. My date’s reply was that yes, we’ll still go.

While waiting at our rendezvous, and after unreplied messages and unanswered calls, I got worried. Boy, how bad was it?

Finally, I got the dignity of a BBM: “I’m not in the mood to watch anymore.”

Now, under the circumstances this was perfectly understandable. The person was having a bad day and I didn’t want to impose. But then it hit me:

In the relationship I bended over backwards for this person, and just for a “mood” your date wouldn’t show. For a mood. That’s all I was worth. If the mood was not right, then there’s no seeing me.

I recalled the many times when I was tired, hungry, fraught, and yet still showed up when we agreed to. And here I was, being dumped for a mood.

People, beware. You teach people who to treat you by how you treat yourself. I did the only thing that would save my self-respect: I walked out on the relationship.

This is not to say I didn’t try to wheedle my way back in. I tried texting, asking if we can talk it out. Then I realize, if we do get back together, I will forever be at the mercy of that person’s mood.

When marriage vows are exchanged, couples do not say, “I feel” or “I will” or “Yeah… yeah…” The say, “I do.” That means loving no matter what your mood is. You want to find a person who sees you for your worth and would move mountains for you just as you would for them. You want a person who knows the value of commitment.

For example, I remember Jeff going to Cambodia because he made a commitment. No matter if he was going there with an ex who hurt him. It was a commitment and it was meant to be kept. That’s the kind of person you want to be with. (Right, Geli?) You don’t want someone who will drop you depending on their current mood.

Dana Discovers Barasaoin Sweets

Barasaoin Sweets is located in front of the Barasaoin Church (famous for its history and a cat sleeping on its hot tin roof). It has been there even before Mommy Jenny was born (no fact-checking has been done to authenticate this. I don’t know when Mommy Jenny was born.)

I bet Barasaoin Sweets is as much a historical landmark to Malolenos (yeah, that’s how they’re called. I was pushing for “Malolosers” but they didn’t like the connotation) as much as the Church. It has been feeding Malolenos and Bulacenos with ensaymada with salted egg for generations. I bet during its time it was a booming business.

Right now, I hardly see customers enter their doors. There is a Red Ribbon right beside it and I don’t know if that affected their business or people just forgot (as most Filipinos are wont to forget).

Veck wanted me to try the bangus pobre in Red Ribbon so we were there one day for lunch. Dana threw a terrific tantrum because she wanted to have some candy sprinkles on the Red Ribbon cakes on display. No amount of explaining that those aren’t for sale unless you buy a whole cake and we couldn’t possibly finish the whole of it in one sitting. And no way are we taking home a dedication chocolate cake just for the sprinkles!

Veck suggested I take Dana to the next door Barasaoin Sweets and see if we could buy candy sprinkles. As Dana and I entered the doors I swore I saw a vision of people lined up for orders, people filling up the tables happily eating with families and noisily chattering and laughing. The vision vanished and the place was empty.

A lady asked us what we wanted. On the display were rows of crystal jars that stored confectionary flowers. I asked the lady how much they sold those flowers and when she looked at Dana, she gave Dana ten flowers and said they’re free. Wow! You don’t receive kindness from strangers often these days. And here Dana was getting a bouquet of candies.

Wow! I thanked the lady profusely and promised myself to eat there soon. I’ll sink my teeth into authentic Malolos ensaymada even if all I have for company is my notebook and pen.

Be A Star!

Here’s a stellar exercise that’s sure to make you shine! This is an easy way to be the star that you are!

Remember Da Vinci’s Vitruvian man? We are going to stretch our muscles that way.

• Remember to keep breathing through this exercise.
• Place feet parallel and evenly on the floor. Distribute your weight evenly from the heels, to the balls of your feet, to the big toes of the feet.
• Unlock the knees and keep them unclamped.
• Engage your thighs, tuck your tailbone, and square your hips.
• Take a breath, and as you do, widen your stance and stretch your arms to the side.
• Generally stretch from fingertip to fingertip in one line of energy.
• Now gently drop your right arm to your side. Relax your shoulder and let your arm find its natural position.
• Stretch your left arm lifting it now at a higher angle. Be careful not to pull the shoulder. Drop your shoulder away from the ear but keep stretching.
• Now do the same for the right arm.
• Elongate the back of the neck.
• You are now a star! Energy is flowing out of your toes and fingertips. Slowly lower your arms, put your feet together, and feel the alertness.

How King beats the Censor

I am reading Stephen King's On Writing, his treatise on writing fiction. I highly recommend it to everyone, writers and non-writers alike, because it's very entertaining. King is witty and humorous here, a side we don't see in his novels of the dark and macabre.

On Writing gives you insight into the mind of one of the most successful novelists of our time.

I also suspect that what he says about writing can be applied, with personal and intelligent adjustment, to one's own current career.

Here's a quote from the book:

With the door shut, downloading what’s in my head directly to the page, I write as fast as I can and still remain comfortable. Writing fiction, especially a long work of fiction, can be a difficult, lonely job; it’s like crossing the Atlantic

Ocean in a bathtub. There’s plenty of opportunity for selfdoubt. If I write rapidly, putting down my story exactly as it comes into my mind, only looking back to check the names of my characters and the relevant parts of their back stories, I find that I can keep up with my original enthusiasm and at the same time outrun the self-doubt that’s always waiting to settle in.

This is the same trick that Natalie Goldberg, poet, painter, and author of Banana Rose employs. Write fast! Do your writing practice and write faster than your Internal Editor can catch up with you. Don't think too much, Nat says, in her rules for writing practice:

1. Keep your hand moving.
When you sit down to write, whether it’s for ten minutes or an hour, once you begin, don’t stop. If an atom bomb drops at your feet eight minutes after you have begun and you were going to write for ten minutes, don’t budge. You’ll go out writing.

2. Lose control.
Say what you want to say. Don’t worry if it’s correct, polite, appropriate. Just let it rip.

3. Be specific.
Not car, but Cadillac. Not fruit, but apple. Not bird, but wren. Not a codependent, neurotic man, but Harry, who runs to open the refrigerator for his wife, thinking she wants an apple, when she’s headed for the gas stove to light her cigarette. Be careful of those pop-psychology labels. Get below the label and be specific to the person.

4. Don’t think.
We usually live in the realm of second or third thoughts, thoughts on thoughts, rather than in the realm of first thoughts, the real way we flash on something. Stay with the first flash.

5. Don’t worry about punctuation, spelling, grammar.

6. You are free to write the worst junk ever.

7. Go for the jugular.
If something scary comes up, go for it. That’s where the energy is. Otherwise, you’ll spend all your time writing around whatever makes you nervous.

Creativity guru Julia Cameron has written lots of books on creativity. In these books she showers you with hundreds of exercises for examination and self-discovery. She also prescribes the same formula. Write fast.

So you have a story or an idea of a story in your head right now. This essay ends here. Go! Write! Do it fast! Burn through to original thoughts.

Learning to act again

I am reading "The Actor Speaks" by Patsy Rodenburg. I'm still at the first few pages and already I got these gems of insight! The following are quotes I culled from the book.

Actors come from all kinds of backgrounds and from around the world. They are all different shapes, sizes and temperaments. But they each share something in common -- they all want to be actors.

Imagine that! The way she puts it, there is no one right shape, size or temperament to be an actor. There is no proper background or ethnicity! The invitation is open, wide open to anyone. The one thing in common is the desire to be an actor -- to experience the range of human emotion and thought and express all of that with truth and clarity on the stage!

This frees me from forever auditioning to be something other than what I am; from comparing my insides to other actors' outsides. It frees me to begin to create and contribute from where I am, from who I am. And that means where we are and who we are is where we all begin to be actors.

Patsy describes her students: "Each one has talent. Everyone is brimming with energy and passion." So... those are the primary ingredients. Talent, energy, passion. Energy, you're born with. That's your birthright. We all were born with amazing energy coming out of our mother's wombs, screaming our entrance into the world.

Now, this energy is either stolen from us or denied by abusive people or life-altering events. This can be regained and this is the thesis of her book "The Second Circle" which I highly recommend everyone to read.

As for the other ingredients: talent and passion, well, those are somethings only God can give. (The truth is, your life energy came from God, too). If you're not sure you have talent or passion, then use your available energy and start praying to get the other two. And when you do get them, do everything you can to stoke and develop them!

Ultimately, as wannabe actors, our goal and reason for training is, as Patsy says, "To speak on-stage with power, clarity and confidence... For me that is what acting is all about."

Some Office Yoga

For tired eyes, rub your palms together and generate some heat. Place palms gently over closed eyes. The warmth should dissipate through your eyelids and help relax your eyes.

Now, for slouchers such as myself, sitting on the office chair for hours can wreak havoc on your back alignment. Our spine slumps, our shoulders cave forward, and our breathing shallows. A gentle exercise done every break time should correct this.

Sit at the edge of your chairs. Make sure your seatbones are in contact with the edge of the chair. Place your feet evenly on the floor hip-width apart. Make sure your knees are at a 90-degree angle.

Put your fists below your lower back and just above your buttocks. Inhale deeply, and as you exhale, push your fists, open your chest, draw your elbows in, and look up. Aaaah! Relief!