Bleat!

Inspired by an email from my Tita Rosella, and a url that my friend Ryan showed me, I am writing a blog on sheep. I'm not a shepherd but I know a lot about sheep because... well, I am one. And this sheep is in need of a shepherd.

I'm glad Jesus, the Good Shepherd, was willing to fill in the shoes.

According to sheep101.info, band together in large groups for protection. It is harder for a predator to pick up a sheep for dinner when it's in a flock. If it's a stray though, he's chicken feed.

And so, even though I resisted the idea of belonging to a d-group for the longest time, I now belong in one. Church community helps. I do know it's when Veck and I don't go attend d-group much that we quarrel more often. I also know that during rocky September last year, it was friends from the d-group who came to help us and pray for us.

Bleat Info: When one sheep moves, the rest will follow. When one sheep plunges down a cliff to its death, the rest jump, too. You bleat, I bleat. You jump, I jump.

Dumb, dumb, dumb... I shake my head at these sheep. But if I'm not careful, I follow the leader, too. I follow leading celebrities, leading TV shows, leading trends and pop psychology. I am easily swayed here and there. So as a dumb sheep, I ought to set my eyes on Jesus. I ought to follow Him. Not easy, but if He scales down a cliff, He'll be there. Maybe He'll even carry me on His shoulders.

Bleat Info: Sheep depend heavily upon their vision. Sheep have a very large pupil that is somewhat rectangular in shape. The eyeball is placed more to the side of the head, which gives sheep a much wider field of vision. With only slight head movement, sheep are able to scan their surroundings.

Perfect! But as Christians, we are admonished to live by faith, not by sight, and to fix our eyes on Jesus. I can be reading my Bible and I look up and voila! A world of stimuli ready to provide distraction. Or I can be at church and my eyes wander around: Who's going out with who? Oh, look, is that the new girlfriend? Oh, **** is coming this way. I certainly don't want to say Hi just right now.

Bleat Info: Sheep have poor depth perception (three dimensional vision), especially if they are moving with their heads up.

That explains it. I look at the outward appearance of people around me, and if I don't move closer, then I never get to know them better. Sometimes I don't even want to get there. Just surface is enough--and boom! I've made my mind up on judgments about this or that character. It also means I can be easily fooled.

Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart. Quite tough. I look at myself and I can't even see my own heart.

Bleat Info: Sheep have excellent hearing.

Excellent, it said. Now what am I listening to? The latest gossip? My own scheming thoughts? The chatter on TV? What was it that Jesus said? "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me." So I need to be careful what I listen to.

Bleat Info: Healthy sheep are almost always hungry. They will overeat, if we let them.

On my desk now is an empty bag of McDonald's large fries, a cup of Coke Zero, styro package of this morning's breakfast of rice and eggs, the empty carton box of Fillet O' Fish, a bottle of Lipton... and I am still hungry. Now I am thinking of caramel sundae. Wait! I just had DQ Caramel Sundae.

Why can't I be hungry for the things of God? Like peace, and justice, and compassion and love? Or how about cultivating a hunger for God's Word. The truth is, the hunger is there. It's built-in. It's a sign of health. But what I choose to fill that hunger inside me with can be unhealthy. I can choose to fill this deep sadness with sugar, sexual thoughts, bitterness. Or I can ask God to fill me.

Bleat Info: While sheep are generally a docile, non-aggressive animal, this is not usually the case with rams. Rams can be very aggressive and have been known to cause serious injuries, even death, to people. A ram should never be trusted, even if it is friendly or was raised as a pet.

People who have had the [un]fortunate privilege of getting to know me know I am not always brotherly. That I can hurt. I have hurt a lot of people in my life, and the people I love more often. The secret is sometimes I don't even regret hurting some people in my life. So yeah, I can't be trusted entirely. My heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked.

"Who really knows how bad it is?" Busted! But true.

"But I, the LORD, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve."

So what do I know then. Not much, really. I am as dumb as a ram. You know, I heard before that when a sheep is specially disobedient--like straying off to wolf territory in spite of repeated warnings--his shepherd would break his legs. Ouch! But that way he can't move out on his own any more. Then the shepherd takes this sheep, puts him on his shoulders, and carries him the entire time till his legs are healed enough.

Jesus carried my sins on the cross two thousand years ago. He said, "I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd sacrifices his life for the sheep."

I wonder how different my life would be with Jesus as my shepherd.

Psalm 23
1 The LORD is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.
2 He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
3 He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
4 Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,*
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.
5 You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the LORD
forever.

Lea Salonga... Second Chances

When emptiness is all there is to see
The joy that you once knew a distance memory
When the purpose of each morning is forgotten with each night
And it doesn’t seem to matter if you give up or you fight
Look again. That is when your world is about to change
Nothing in life is so permanent that love can’t rearrange

Second chances
Life is rich with second chances
Second songs with second dances, second melodies
For if you only got one shot
if what's for nothing's all you got
Your days will just be filled with single moments, single memories
But I believe hearts can conceive
Of more than one bright happy ending
Roads may split in two
You can’t go down both really fast
We know and yet we still forget
Our paths are never so unbending

Life has given you a second chance
Second chances
The world provides with second chances
New adventures, new romances, new responsibilities

For if you’re always looking back
Your eyes might miss the second track
You take no chances, seize no day, live no possibilities
But heart’s desire, hearts afire
A blaze you grow from a single ember
Yesterday turns toward tomorrow with brand new circumstance

What’s past is past but it’s not the last
We’re not alive to just remember

When life has said to you
"Not a chance, but two"

Life has granted you a second chance.

-=-=-=-=-

Beautiful song, isn't it? I feel there are some kinks in certain lines that need to be ironed out or re-written, like for a song that is positive there's a line that goes "You take no chances, seize no day, live no possibilities..." which is negative and quite didactic... but it is a beautiful song and Lea renders it beautifully.

It's from Allegiance the Musical, scheduled to come out on Broadway in 2012. I hope it becomes a hit and Lea earns another Tony for it. It's about the Japanese people. Well, that's as much as I know about the musical.

I post the song here because I want to believe that what the song says is true. That life IS filled with second chances. I'd love to have second chances at life. To take another shot at school, and mend relationships I've severed, erase regrets.

Playwrights are great teachers. They teach us about the world, about people, about ourselves. Read Shakespeare, Wilder, Rostand. Better yet, watch theatre! For example, PETA's Care Divas talked about the plight of OFWs in war-torn Israel... and about love. Recently World Theatre Project staged Macbeth, and it taught me what corruption is.

That's my advice today. Watch some theatre. I can't tell you for sure if life does give second chances. But when Allegiance comes out next year, we'll hear that from them and learn.

Amidst a culture of fake

But what if the culture among your colleagues is that of fakery? Of plasticity?

What if you're not used to that? What if in life you've learned that keeping one's integrity is not always easy but the better option? What if life experience has taught you that dishonesty only leads through more trouble--and who needs additional burdens in this day and age?

In a painful series of events, I recently found out that the team I work with at the office cannot be trusted completely. And for someone who already has trust issues, this was devastating. It takes me a while before I trust a person. Otherwise, I keep acquaintances at a distance. If I do trust a person, I let that person in my life and develop a deep level of friendship. With me, there is no middle ground. This was shown to me clearly by a friend of mine, who has these issues herself.

Now the problem presents itself when I've learned to trust a person who betrays me, or would not return the same commitment to friendship. It can be devastating. And in this case, it was. I thought I could trust my team with my heart, my creativity... I was wrong.

An air of phoniness has now set in and a game of politicking has kicked in. I don't want to take part in it. I can't. I don't want to lose my integrity for that. But what can I do? I'm afraid I'd be swallowed alive if I don't participate in the game--if I don't compromise my values.

I think the answer is simply DON'T. Don't compromise. Hold on. Hold fast. Trust that I am not friendless, that Someone promised to look out for me and never leave me, and that Someone is Truth. In the same way, I was advised to stretch my patience and compassion. Not everyone has equal level of understanding in these matters. Some probably are not still awake enough to comprehend spiritual issues surrounding this. And for these people, I must extend an open acceptance of who they are and the level of consciousness they're in, just as I have my own limitations to my level of consciousness.

In all these, to trust God. Trust God. Continue to be as honest as I can, continue to learn what I can, and to trust God.

So amidst a culture of dishonesty, be compassionate, understanding, open-minded, and honest. Never lose the honesty. Just be more expansive, inclusive. In my mind there can be space enough for acceptance of everyone in my life now.

-=-=-

And some encouraging words from friends:

"Disappointments in life makes us tough. Sometimes it's not a battle of what is right and wrong but what we have come out of it."

“If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.” [John 15:19]

"Love is patient."

-=-=-

Extending patience. I need to learn this lesson now. Because this is in preparation for something in the future. And if I don't learn kind consideration and patience now then it'll be harder in the future.

Last night I read about Joshua in the Bible. That part of the Bible is all about land and how the Israelites, once slaves in Egypt, are now claiming their inheritance from God. Well, the land is theirs, God gave it to them as the Promised Land, and now it's theirs for the taking. Joshua 17.14-18 records some people complaining about it, though. They were asking for more land. Joshua says, "Well, go fight for it!" Like move! Do what you need to do. It's theirs for the taking, so take it.

I realize I'm like that sometimes. You know, God has promised us blessings and to help us but [if] I don't do my part, then I don't get it.

Caleb, in Joshua 14.6-15, is the opposite. He claimed and fought for the land that was promised to him by God--and that showed faith. Faith does involve action.

Two days ago God instructed me to apologize to the members of the team at work. I didn't want to do it. I felt that they should apologize to me! But I obeyed, leaving the results up to Him.

Earlier today the instructions were to try to make contact with one of the team members, to just see things from his perspective.

I need to trust God in this. I owe it to Him. I owe it to Jesus who purchased me with the most precious thing ever: His life. I owe it to the Christians all over the world who are persecuted. What is this that I am experiencing compared to their travails? And yet they're faithful. And God is faithful.

I need to learn to be faithful.

Disappointment

Maybe I should briefly tell the story of my discouragement. It can be a long story, so if I write a long winding email thank you for your patience. I scheduled to share this grievance with a confidante as per the task, but the person backed out. So I'm sharing it here.

Our boss from Australia sent us P10,000 so we our team (of six people, myself included) can spend on fun! We're to take half-day from work and spend the rest of the day eating out, or doing whatever, for team building purposes. We met about where we will eat and I suggested if we can take part of that amount (say P1,000) and give it to charity. After all, the amount is more than enough for all of us, and we all have salaries that can pay for restaurants, etc. The money is a sweet bonus from our boss.

One suggested that true charity means money comes out of your own pocket, and one another said that the P1,000 can better be spent on Starbucks. Well, the rest didn't say anything, and when we finished the meeting, I saw our team leader (I'm only second-in-command in this team) put in the P1,000 for charity and the rest of the money for our team building. So I believed everything to be settled.

Naturally, being the two team leaders, we emailed our boss. The first team leader said we're eating at this restaurant of choice. I emailed him that the team is giving P1,000 to charity under the name of the company. I also suggested Metro Ministries, a charity institution that helps homeless children giving them food, shelter, medical attention, clothes. The boss approved the charity and the restaurant.

A week after that, when we found out that the restaurant will cost P1,400 each for lunch... and since there's six of us that'll be P8,400 + 1,000 (for charity) and only a remaining P600 left for whatever, the team changed its mind and said they don't want to give the P1,000 for charity and instead spend it all on team building. They were, they said, willing to give out of their pockets for charity instead. They also said that I was imposing this on them, that I coerced them into giving! I felt crushed. I used to think highly of these people, but after this change of heart and mind, I saw them as lacking integrity and compassion. This was so sad because I actually sent them a profile of Metro Ministries and a photo of the young boy, Jimmy, who will receive the P1,000 donation.

I apologized to the group if I ever made them feel coerced into giving. After I recovered from initial shock, I emailed my boss and told him that the team would rather not give the P1,000 to charity. It's my boss's money. He has the right to know where we're spending it.

Almost immediately my boss messaged me on Skype asking if it was the whole team's decision. I had to be honest, I told him. I said, it was majority. I also told him that I wanted to give the P1,400 that was supposedly for my lunch treat and give that to charity, and I can pay for my own lunch during the team building.

My boss said that won't be necessary. He said he'll still send the P10,000 for us, and an additional P2,000 to give to charity. I was so thankful!

But even that didn't settle the issue with my teammates. They felt I painted them in a bad light in the eyes of my boss, that they were willing to give to charity out of their own pockets and it was unprofessional of me to email him.

The next day I didn't join them for lunch. One of my friends here in the office said that my team were making fun of charity, saying, "Don't finish your lunch! Leave half of it and give it to the poor!" and they were all laughing and mocking. Then they reported me to the local supervisors and soon I found myself in a room with the two Filipino supervisors and the rest of the team.

The team said I assumed they agreed to giving the P1,000 and then jumped the gun by emailing our Aussie boss. I said, I saw it put in the budget! I thought you all were in agreement. And they said I imposed it on them. I looked at the team leader, asking him to say that he did put it in budget and that at that time it was a decision, but he didn't say anything. I was thrown under the bus! The supervisors said it was all my fault, and they all felt happy having someone to blame. The newest of the team even called me unprofessional for showing him how to improve his writing--which is my job as quality control for the team!

I said, "I can never be friends with people like you." And I have never spoken to them ever since, unless it's related to work.

So now I'm stuck working with people who have zero integrity. Why can't they take the example of my boss? He approved the P1,000 for charity, and even when the rest went against that, he still gave to honor his word! I grieve the loss of friendships I had with the team, but really, I'd rather not be friends with them. I told them we don't have to be enemies, but I can't be friends with you anymore.

Well, that's the gist of it. I think I shall write about this some more in the coming days. It may be expurgative, therapeutic for me. And new things happen every day.

Thanks for listening.

Times, Tenth Avenue North

I know I need You

I need to love You

I love to see You, but it's been so long

I long to feel You

I feel this need for You

I need to hear You

Is that so wrong?

Now You pulled me near You

When we're close I fear You

Still I'm afraid to tell You

All that I've done

Are You done forgiving?

Or can you look past my pretending?

Lord, I'm so tired of defending

What I've become

What have I become?

I hear You say:

My love is over, it's underneath

It's inside, it's in between

The times you doubt Me; when you can't feel

The times that you've questioned, 'Is this for real?'

The times you've broken, the times that you mend

The times you hate Me and the times that you bend

Well My love is over, it's underneath

It's inside, it's in between,

These times you're healing

And when your heart breaks

The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace

The times you're hurting

The times that you heal

The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal

In times of confusion and chaos and pain

I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame

I'm there through your heartache

I'm there in the storm

My love, I will keep you by My power alone

I don't care where you've fallen; where you have been

I'll never forsake you

My love never ends, it never ends.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I recently heard this song over Klove.com. I needed to hear it. I needed to believe that God's love stays with me at all times.