I did something brave last Friday, 8 January. On Saturday, the next day, I was passed out and depressed. On Sunday, we went to church and I felt encouraged. Today was day one of Christian crash diet, aka annual prayer and fasting week after the Yule feasts of Noche Buena and Media Noche.
But let me tell you what I did last Friday. I sent my application for scholarship in the Actor's Company program of Tanghalang Pilipino. Many years ago I auditioned for AC as well but did not make it. Well, I felt ashamed trying out again, and indeed was warned by a well-meaning and well-loved teacher that now is not the best time to join AC, because of internal issues that I am not aware of. I thought, well, to submit an application does not mean joining. It means you express your wish to be shortlisted for auditions, and you need to pass that screening to actually be asked to join. So, I decided to lower the stakes and send in my application.
I asked another acting teacher whom I met in 2013 for a letter of recommendation. I must say I loved what she wrote. It's something for me to read and re-read whenever I feel the need for a voice of confidence, or when I feel low on energy and high on fear. In a sense, it was a permission slip for me to pursue acting. I don't know why my psyche needed that, but I admit, I do!
The difficult part was not printing out photos or my theatre credits resume. The hard part was drafting an application letter. I could have easily spewed out an informal "Please accept this letter as my intent to apply for scholarship..." but instead I wrote a three-page letter telling how much I love the theater. That night I dreamt I was shitting in a toilet with no walls. In truth, I felt that exposed and vulnerable, and I repeated I am allowed to be here and submit an application many, many times in my head while I walked up to the Tanghalang Pilipino office.
What was I afraid of? I was afraid of what people will say. Why apply now? What body of work have you? What right have you to apply? You can't sing, much less dance. Are you in it for the money, because you're barking up the wrong tree, mister.
And then I thought, who are these people? And are they really saying these things? I imagine these people to be other theater actors, but wouldn't they be too busy with rehearsals to be thinking about me at all?
I also was reading Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, which clarion cry is Courage! Creative Living without Fear! So, there, looking like on pins and needles, I gave my portfolio to the girl in the TP office. Now it's prayer and fasting week at church, and I do hope to lose some fat around my waist, and that my application be looked upon with favorable light by the folks over at TP AC.
At any rate, whether or not I get shortlisted, I wanted that brave act (where I submitted in spite of my fears and insecurities and hesitations) as a signal to the Universe that I love acting, and I want to be acting throughout 2016.
I haven't really celebrated that act of unusual courage. I honestly didn't know I had it in me. I did eat chicken shawarma with bhasmati rice, which I love. But I can't talk about food now because I'll salivate.
Wish me all the best!
