Steps

My friend Ryan shared an observation of his to me a while back. He said it's easier to go down the stairs than it is to get up. But he noted that going down the stairs (or a hill) has more impact on our joints and knees than climbing up. Climbing up, on the other hand, has low impact and does more for our health by exercising our legs and cardio-vascular system.

He is using this as a metaphor for decisions. Going down is "the wrong way." Going wayward. Climbing up is "the right way," although you struggle and you wheeze and when you get to the top you puff and puff for breath only to look up and see there's more climbing to do and much farther to go.

The few times I climbed a mountain--the rock marble peak where I almost died at Lapus-Lapus Beach came to mind (that is also where I got baptized, so from near-death experience to a declaration of new life)--I remember the exhilaration of reaching the top. There's also a certain peace. You get clearheaded on a mountain peak.

Paul said, "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up" (Galatians 6.9).

During the times in my life I were going down (the wrong way), I hit rock bottom. In that proverbial place there's "no where to go but up." So it's not altogether a bad place because there I found the hand of God restoring me. It's only sad when we refuse to be helped and decide to stay in the bottom. Wallowing in self-pity has its charm and shadowy reward.

So whether you're climbing up or going down, it can be good because you're going someplace, discovering the world and yourself. Theodore Roethke said, "I learn by going where I have to go." If you think about this you become open-minded and open-hearted.You don't judge people you meet on your journey. Some are going up, some are going down, some are traveling alongside you, some go slower, others speed past you. It's okay. The important thing to know is we are all learning by going where we have to go, whether consciously or not.

But when you're on your journey and your tired and you gotta sit it out for a while, do so! Learn from the people passing by. Some would love to tell stories. You learn from storytellers who write their stories down for us, from actors who show us how human we are, from poets who show us how deeply we can penetrate life. You simply sat and rested, the way Nature does during winter. You get lessons from the outside, you process and learn from the inside. So then when you continue on your journey both your body and mind is refreshed.

Now whether you are resting or going on your journey, pray. Connect with the God who made the mountain you're in and the legs that carry you and the oxygen that fills your lungs. Pray and listen. God loves to talk to us.

- = -

Okay, I thought I should post one blog each day. It used to be I waited till I get a shimmering insight before I posted it here. Now I think, hey, it's a Blog. People use their blogs for a variety of reasons, even to sell their wares. Non-writers write on their blogs. People with cameras post their shots and instantly become photographers. Why can't I simply post here whatever is in the moment? I'd love every moment to be filled with meaning, but that's not what happens.

So I'll post here and be dull and boring and wasting cyberspace but at least I'll know I'm alive and my mind is wild and "boring" is just an excuse for fear of the present truth.

How my William audition went

I suppose you'd want to know how my William auditions went. I was not able to walk to PETA from home because of the weather. I planned to drop by DM's so we can go together, but when I texted he said he was still in the shower so I went on ahead.

When I got to PETA none of my BA classmates were there yet. I arrived around a quarter past three. I listed in, was number "9," and asked to take a seat in the waiting area. There was already a lot of people and some had the same idea I had: come in high school uniform.

I didn't wear my St. John's Academy uniform, no! Good luck if that would still fit even if I were able to find one that survived time. I approximated my uniform. I wore a sando and a white polo with a simple print design. I wore khaki slacks. I decided, because of the weather, not to wear my leather shoes. I used my rubber shoes. I was gunning for the Erwin Castro (matamlay at mahiyain, di katangi-tangi) role, so I thought rubber shoes will make me look plain and ordinary (not that I need help in that area).

I played Gloc 9's Walang Natira over and over again. I'd alternate between my rap piece and my monologue. I felt more comfortable and ready with my Shylock piece, so I focused on my rap. I still tripped over my lines. Soon, Dene Gomez came. He wore a long-sleeved white polo with a fashionable slim tie, black formal pants, and pointed leather shoes. He also carried a guitar. "Did you go to IS in high school?" I quipped. He admitted that was the look he was aiming for. Soon, Avery Salaya came, too.

There were so many people who auditioned that someone said that this was the biggest turnout that PETA has had for an audition yet. And I was called to go up at 6:30pm. Yep, 3 hours of being very nervous! Good thing because Veck and I were set to watch Care Divas that night at 8pm and I didn't want to miss that!

Avery was fooling around with me and singing Stupid Luv by Salbakuta and whenever I hear him sing it I forget the rhythm and tone of Walang Natira and would've to play it back again using my music phone. I use my wife's Samsung earphones and somehow the way they're built allows me to hear my own voice when I hum or sing along to a song I'm playing, so at least I know when I'm off-key. Melo Uy came to give us her support.

I also want to note that I was nervous, but not helplessly so. I was praying and praying and I didn't care anymore if people saw me with head bowed. I bumped into someone I met in PUP (I'm sorry I forget his name), and coincidentally he was doing the Shylock speech, too. (Dene was doing the same speech, too.) My acquaintance from PUP said he's not memorized his monologue yet so I lent him my codigo. He didn't return it though, but it was okay because at that time I didn't need it anymore.

Another boy in pink-striped longsleeves came up to me and said he was doing the same speech I was doing. When I asked him from what play, he said he wasn't sure. I asked, what role? He said he wasn't sure. I said recite some lines and when he said, "If you prick us, do we not bleed," I said, "Oh, yeah, you're doing Shylock from Merchant of Venice." Talk about coming prepared for an audition!

Soon I was called into Studio A for my turn. I was about ready to die. I wanted nothing else but to make a dash for the restroom and take a dump. Instead push open the studio doors and see Ron Capinding, the playwright, grinning like a happy camper. The director, Maribel Legarda, was among the panel and she was very nice and patient. I didn't recognize the rest of the panel, though.

I said, "Good evening, po."

Maribel said, "Oh, you're from Melvin's class! You're the lion! I enjoyed your showcase."

You can imagine how good I felt when she said that.

I decided to do my monologue first: make a good "first impression." I did my Shylock making sure I do it as far away from Al Pacino's interpretation as possible. I didn't want to be a copycat, and who knows? Maybe this would be the only opportunity in my whole lifetime that I get to be Shylock, even for just a few minutes.

Then came the rap part. I am not a singer but I am willing to learn. (What you just read is a disclaimer.) I am not comfortable with my singing. So when I opened my mouth, my voice shook. I tried to just "face the music" and go on with it and do my choreography alongside the rap, but I tripped, as expected, over the fast Tagalog words. Maribel said I can hold my lyrics, it's okay. I did, and I just went through the song as fast as I could.

Oh, they were all laughing all throughout. Yeah, I am that amusing when I try to sing. Like Shengka Mangahas said, "It's fun to make a fool of yourself." Well, fun for those who watch, I guess.

Then they made me sing the National Anthem, which I totally didn't expect. I only got through the first two stanzas and they laughed through it as well. (You would, too, if you were there.) Then they said amongst themselves, "Okay, he's a baritone."

Wow. I'm a baritone? Baritones are singers. If I'm a baritone and baritones are singers, therefore... yeah, I didn't do well in Logic 101.

So they asked me to stay and read TJ Domingo (makisig, atleta, mahina sa akademiko, siga), who is the polar opposite of Rico del Rosario when he was in third year high school, but hey, it's "acting." They handed me a script and told me to study scene 2. After a short while, they got enough auditionees to fill up all the roles in scene 2, which are the teacher, Miss Lutgarda Martinez, and the whole gang of students. I secretly envied the guy reading Erwin Castro, but TJ's a lot of fun, too. His lines are very funny and I made sure I hit my punchlines during our scene. (Who knows if this is the first and last time I get to do TJ or do a scene in William?) It felt good because I heard some people from the panel laugh. I tried to conjure in my memory how the biggest bully in my high school life behaved. His name is Betong de Guzman. He would threaten me with his fist if I didn't show him my test answers. One time I decided not to let him copy and it felt good. I wonder how he is now.

All in all we had fun, all six of us who did the scene together. Then I thanked the panel profusely, headed out and met Veck who was shopping for milk at a grocery store nearby. We ate at KFC and spotted Manila's theatre critic Gibbs Cadiz. We saw him later in the audience at Care Divas.

Well, about 11:06am the next day I woke up to my phone was ringing and the caller identified himself as Aaron from PETA and he was informing me that I'm due for a callback on June 28! Yay! I literally was jumping up and down after the phone call. Dene Gomez and Avery Salaya are in the callbacks, too. Also Neomi Gonzales, J-mee Katanyag, and Eji Carreon. Woot! Break a leg, guys!

My question is, what does one do to prepare for a callback? I certainly don't know. In the meantime, kee kaa kee kaa kee...

And do send us lots of good vibes so we make it through the callbacks! Thanks!

William Auditions Today O_O

I am going on an audition today for PETA's William, a play by Ron Capinding. I don't know the story but I think it's about high school students whose lives unwittingly mirror those of Shakespeare's immortal characters.

I am 29 years old. I'll turn 30 in August. And I'm auditioning for a 15- to 16-year old role. Well, it's the theatre.

I'm doing a rap song from Gloc 9 and for the life of me I can't do it without tripping over the words, so I have to be extra careful. I am not so worried about my Shylock speech ("If you prick us, do we not bleed") although I need to do choice hunts for that. I was planning to re-read Anne Rice's "Angel Time" to give me a picture of the sorry plight of Jews in history, but I ran out of time for that. Otherwise, my plan is to love Shylock. As another Jew by the name of Apostle Paul wrote: "Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them." So ayun. What I did was I read Merchant of Venice (nosebleeeeeed!) until I got to that part so I can understand where all of Shylock's anger is coming from. Truth is, not until I read all the preceding scenes did I understand what "To bait fish withal" means.

What also helped is a book I found in my library. I bought this last year from Books&Mags for P29.00. (Interesting, I'm 29 years old!) It's called "Shakespeare Alive!" by Joseph Papp and Elizabeth Kirkland. It's subtitle says: America's foremost theater producer brings Shakespeare's England to life." The book really helped me get a picture of the prejudice the Jewish people received in England, and suddenly I realized that Antonio was not cruel towards Shylock just as a theatrical device, but that he really is a product of his time, and he reflected the general or common feeling or attitude of the English towards the immigrant Jews during Shakespeare's time. I also began to understand why Shylock is in the moneylending business. (I plan to have Dene Gomez, who is doing the same speech for his audition, read the chapter on Jews in the book.)

I realize, slowly, that for the most part, Shakespeare's characters are really truly living and breathing three-dimensional people. I used to find it cheesy when actors talk about the characters in their plays as if they were real and living, as if what they read wasn't a script or play but a newspaper. Hello? Fiction, non-fiction! I recently had a dose of this when after a Titus Andronicus reading, I was listening to the conversation of Joel Saracho, Gwyn Guanzon and the director George de Jesus. That's how they talked about the play and the characters. As if Titus and Tamora and Aaron were in the showbiz section and they're commenting on the dirty business of their lives. Hey, a young actor learns!

For Gloc 9, I plan to walk all the way to PETA from my apartment and recite it all the way, as a warm-up and a desperate attempt to memorize the fast parts of "Walang Natira." This is my fault. I should have been reading the same amount of Filipino literature as English. Then my tongue would be used to our own language and not trip over the lines. I promise you, I can sing "Another Hundred People" from Company, or "Gangsta's Paradise" and not mess up the words. But I don't think those two would make good audition pieces. Besides, me, sing Sondheim? No.

Okay, I also wanted to say I fouled up two auditions I went to recently. The first was for a Samsung hosting event I didn't care about much because they'd have us dress up as Iron Man and deliver lines in that ken. Hyuk! I do wish their event a success. The casting director behaved as if he's good friends with Melvin Lee and Anton Juan, and then asked me to ham my acting up. Anyway, I read in a book if you don't feel "right" during the audition, if you don't feel good vibes in the working environment, most likely the actual rehearsal/production work would be worse.

The next was my audition for Upstart Production's Much Ado About Nothing. I did my assignment. I read the play. I dressed nice. I came on time. My mistake was, I relied on me. All on me. Me, me, me, and my abilities. Big mistake.

Jacob told Dan, his son, just about before he was to breathe his last, "Dan will govern his people, like any other tribe in Israel. Dan will be a snake beside the road, a poisonous viper along the path that bites the horse's hooves so its rider is thrown off." Amazing abilities, huh? Jacob was blessing his son and showing him his future. Looks like Dan has it good. But then Jacob interjects, "I trust in you for salvation, O LORD!"

See, trust in the LORD for salvation. Not in one's own blessings or abilities. That I didn't do. I came to Much Ado reading all "Oh, I can wing this. I can muscle my way through. No need for my daily morning meditation, no need for prayer. I'm uber-talented." Well, Joel Trinidad texted me and said, "No roles for you now. Maybe in July."

So I won't mess up today's auditions. Finally, here are some of my personal tips culled from personal experience when going to auditions.

01) Never leave God out of the picture. Include Him, make Him central to your art, your acting. He is the God of the Arts and the Theatre, after all.
02) "Don't think you are better than you realy are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us."
03) Offer your audition piece as a sacrifice to God.
04) Don't think it's an audition. Think of it as an actual performance. Have complete freedom and let your imagination soar in your own attack! Take the audition as a chance to do a scene study.
05) Come prepared. Theater companies would post what they expect, and you must try your best to meet their expectations. If they say come with a Shakespeare monologue and a rap song, be sure you have that and then some at your arsenal.
06) Breathe. Work out. Steam your vocal cords.
07) Don't make the audition about Yourself with a capital Y, although you really are selling yourself as an actor and artist. Try to focus on the character you are presenting in your monologue. That way you behave as if you've already got the part and you're presenting it before an audience.

I guess that's it. Now I'm off to practice what I preach. Boy, am I so nervous!

Psalm 145

Psalm 145 (New Living Translation)

A psalm of praise of David.
1 I will exalt you, my God and King,
and praise your name forever and ever.
2 I will praise you every day;
yes, I will praise you forever.
3 Great is the LORD! He is most worthy of praise!
No one can measure his greatness.

4 Let each generation tell its children of your mighty acts;
let them proclaim your power.
5 I will meditate* on your majestic, glorious splendor
and your wonderful miracles.
6 Your awe-inspiring deeds will be on every tongue;
I will proclaim your greatness.
7 Everyone will share the story of your wonderful goodness;
they will sing with joy about your righteousness.

8 The LORD is merciful and compassionate,
slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.

-=-=-=-

This isn't the complete psalm. I wanted to focus on verse 4. It says each generation must tell its children of God's mighty acts. So I'm starting this list and I'm sure it'll grow if I'm faithful to add to it. "No one can measure the greatness of our God" so I'm sure there'll be lots of mighty acts in my life that God would do. It is up to me to list them down here so I can pass it on.

So, when Dana is old enough to understand, I shall tell her about...

1) how God saved us through the flood of Ondoy
2) Veck and my trip to Indonesia
3) how I experienced unconditional love and experience from God through Veck
4) the day she was born
5) the day I was born again

The Audition... the showcased version

Here is, more or less, the version I performed in my monologue tonight at class. Notice the changes.

I would like to express my appreciation to all my classmates who gave such wonderfully kind comments about my performance. Most special thanks for Teacher Melvin Lee. You rock!

-=-=-=-=-

E Hi, sir. Hands piece of paper to auditioner.

Ah, on the X, sir? Stands on the X.

My name is Vanz, sir. Vanz Perlas. Where I come from, sir? I come from Pangasinan, sir. There are many Perlas in Pangasinan, sir. Our whole family sir, is Perlas. That’s our family name. Perlas like the pearl.

Beat. Oh, this? I actually borrowed a polo barong from my neighbour but I fell asleep on the bus and someone stole my bag, sir.

Beat. Oh, these? Looks at his bare feet. Uh, because sir when my bag got stolen, sir, my money was in it. And then the conductor found out I have no money to pay for ticket so he kicked me out. I walked the rest of the way sir, but on the fifth day of walking my tsinelas gave way na, sir. They were broken. I was walking like this like this and then I realized it’s better to just throw away both tsinelas so I have no more tsinelas, see? Shows black feet.

I am 17 years old now, sir. Uhm, what I came here for? I came here to audition, sir. I heard you have audition. Beat. Uh, I saw it on the TV sir. “Looking for Pinoy with talent.” Sir, I’m pinoy and I’m with talent.

Beat. Oh, no sir, I have no acting experience. This is my first time to audition.

Beat. What, sir? The auditions are over? Beat. The auditions was yesterday, sir? Oh, no! Two Yesterday, sir, I was still walking down NLEX so I can get here. Beat. Sir, maybe you can give me a chance. I really want to be an actor, sir. Beat.

Okay, sir. I’ll go home now. You know, sir, it’s for my sister, really. I told her she will see me on TV and she said if she sees me on TV she will laugh. That’s why I’m here sir. I want to be on TV. I already memorized the script sir.

Beat. Yes, sir, I’m going now. You know what, sir, my sister? She is my most beautiful sister in the world. You know, my mom used to say, “Ay! How beautiful my baby girl! Just like her mother!”

And then my dad, he will say, “When your little sister was born the night sky became darker.” I would say, “Why did the sky grow darker, Tatay?” And he will say “Because God took some of the stars down from heaven and put them in your sister’s eyes.”

It’s true, sir! My sister is beautiful. Especially when she laughs. There are stars in her eyes that sparkle when she laughs.

Beat. Yes, sir. Right, sir. I understand you’re not interested. You know, sir. My sister cannot read, so I read to her. I love to read her stories. And when I read to her she laughs. Then one day my Tatay brought home a large-screen color TV sir. Twelve inches. I promised her she’ll see me on TV. I will dance like Jan-Jan the boy macho dancer! But you know you said the audition was yesterday and yesterday I was still in NLEX so I’m going home now, sir.

Beat. My sister is sick, sir. There is no medicine in the drugstore that can cure her. When my sister got sick, she stopped laughing sir. And then we can’t see the stars in her eyes anymore. That’s why I want to be on TV sir, so she can see me and she will laugh again.

Beat. Okay, sir. Going home now. Sorry for wasting your time, sir. Uh, sir, you know, I walked all the way here and I lost my tsinelas already. I know the auditions are over, but if you please, if it’s okay, I’d like to recite the lines anyway. If it’s all right with you. I memorized the script sir and I walked for many days just to get here. Maybe you will just allow me just three minutes to say my monologue?

Beat. Thank you very much sir! Uhm, this is from the scene with Alan and Vernice at the beach! Alan pushes Vernice who is sitting on the wheel chair.

Curtain!

“Here you go, Vernice! Just like I promised you. I told you I’ll take you to the sea to watch the sunset.”

And Vernice says, “Oh, Kuya Alan! It’s so beautiful!”

And Alan says, “Yes. It is beautiful. Very beautiful.” And then they were both silent for a while, just watching the sunset and the waves and the sand.

Beat.

And then Vernice says, “Kuya Alan, where do people go when they die?”

And then Alan says, “Oi! Mama told us we should never talk about sad things! Only happy things!”

And Vernice says, “Mama’s not here. She can’t hear us. Please, Kuya, please tell me where I will go. Will it be the same place that Papa went to?”

And Alan says, “Ah, I think we should go back in now. The hamog will not be good for you.”

And Vernice says, “Please, Kuya. Please, tell me about the Very Happy Place...”

And Alan says, “Okay. The happy place. That’s where Papa is now. It’s a beautiful place, like this one. Over there, you can watch the sunset as many times as you want, for as long as you want. And then you can swim in the sea. You can swim and swim and not drown. And the sea is sweet, not salty. You can even walk on water!

And there, you can dance. I bet that’s what Papa is doing now. He is dancing. You know how Papa dances? Maybe we should dance now!

And Vernice says, “Oh, Kuya, stop teasing!”

And Alan says, “Please, may I have this dance?” He whirls him around ta-raa-ta-raraaa... “You know what else is in the Very Happy Place? There we will find the best Doctor for you and He will heal you and you will never have sickness again.

“And there, you have a big-screen TV. Much bigger than our TV: 24 inches! And all the angels watch TV all the time. “

And Vernice says, “All the time?!”

And Alan says, “Yes! All the time! You know what they are watching?”

And Vernice says, “What?”

And Alan says, “They’re watching you!”

And Vernice says, “Me?”

And Alan says, “Yes! They are watching you. They are watching you on TV as you laugh. And when you laugh your eyes sparkle like the stars and the place becomes brighter.”

But Vernice doesn’t hear what his kuya is saying anymore. Because at that moment, while Alan was talking about the angels and Vernice’s smile, at that moment Vernice... Vernice dies. But, but Alan does not know, so he keeps on talking and talking and talking. He just talks and watches the sun set and then when it was evening, Alan looked up, and he has never seen so many stars before. So many stars. The night was so bright. And the reason is—the reason is—the stars that used to reside in Vernice’s eyes already returned to the sky.

Sir, thank you for letting me recite the monologue even though there’s no more audition, sir. Thank you. You are very kind. Let me get my bio-data back. You don’t need this anymore. I have a long way to walk to get back home. Exits.

-=-=-=-=-

I can't remember everyone's comments, but Teacher Melvin said it would've been more effective if I had done it in Filipino. I quite agree to that but I've always been afraid of the language and tripping over the syllables and not sounding right. So I took the "easy" route and did it in English.

Also, he said it would've been stronger if they really did not allow him to just say the lines anyway. The choice was not compelling enough--hence it was neither believable. Teacher Melvin asked, "What if they were already packing up and closing up and with all urgency you just plunged ahead and did the monologue without anyone's permission?"

That gave me food for thought. Maybe I was just really afraid of that moment. Maybe I'm not THAT courageous to plunge into theatre no matter how much I love it--if I'm not given permission to. This is weird. I am 29 years old, clearly an adult. Who do I need permission from to do what I love? Quite an insight!

Finally, some craft bits: I should have made the delineation between Vanz and Alan clearer by making choices for Alan/Vernice scene that make it look more like an audition, because Vanz and Alan, as far as my characterization goes, were too close to each other, and I must separate them far enough so that the *match in their stories... when they become one... becomes more dramatic. Ugh! I've a lot of work on that one! If I want to be a good actor, I must kill laziness.

Or give laziness a space in my life. One hour a week of pure laziness. That'll be its space and no more.

Finally, and this is a shoutout to all Christian artists out there, always involve God in your creative process--whatever it is. If you're the actor who works outside in or inside out, ask God to help you. God is the Creator, the Inventor of Theatre. Rely on Him for ideas and to breathe life into your piece.

"The Audition"

Hi, sir. Hands piece of paper to auditioner.

Ah, on the X, sir? Stands on the X.

My name is Vanz, sir. Vanz Perlas. Where I come from, sir? I come from Pangasinan sir. There are many Perlas in Pangasinan, sir. Our whole family sir, is Perlas. That’s our family name. Perlas like the pearl.

Beat. Oh, this? I actually borrowed a polo shirt from my neighbour but I fell asleep on the bus and someone stole my bag, sir.

Beat. Oh, these? Looks at his bare feet. Uh, because sir when my bag got stolen, sir, my money was in it. And then the conductor found out—we were still in Pampanga—I have no money to pay for ticket, so he kicked me out. I walked the rest of the way sir, but on the fifth day of walking my tsinelas gave way na, sir. They were broken. So I have no more tsinelas, see? Shows black feet.

I am 20 years old now, sir. Uhm, what I came here for? I came here to audition, sir. I heard you have a movie, sir, and I want to audition. Beat. Uh, I saw it on the TV sir. “Looking for Pinoy with talent.” Sir, I’m pinoy and I’m with talent.

Beat. Oh, no sir, I have no acting experience. This is my first time to audition.

Beat. What, sir? The auditions are over? Beat. The auditions were three days ago? Oh, no! Three days ago, sir, I was still walking along SLEX so I can get here. Beat. Sir, maybe you can give me a chance. I really want to be an actor, sir. Beat.

Okay, sir. I’ll go home now. You know, sir, it’s for my sister, really. I told her she will see me on TV and she said if she sees me on TV she will laugh. That’s why I’m here sir. I want to be on TV. I already memorized the script sir.

Beat. Yes, sir, I’m going now. You know what, sir, my sister? She is the most beautiful sister in the world. You know, my mom used to say, “Ay! How beautiful my baby girl! Just like her mother!”

And then my dad, he will say, “When your little sister was born the night sky became darker.” I would say, “Why?” And he will say “Because God took some of the stars down from heaven and put them in your sister’s eyes.”

It’s true, sir! My sister is beautiful. Especially when she laughs. There are stars in her eyes that sparkle when she laughs.

Beat. Yes, sir. I’m going home now, sir. You know, sir. My sister cannot read, so I read to her. I love to read her stories. Then one day my dad gave her a gift. A large-screen color TV sir. Twelve inches. I promised her she’ll see me on TV. I will dance like Jan-Jan the boy macho dancer! But you know you said the audition was three days ago and three days ago I was still in C5 so I’m going home now, sir.

Beat. My sister is sick, sir. We have no money to pay for her medicine. When my sister got sick, she stopped laughing sir. And then we can’t see the stars in her eyes anymore. That’s why I want to be on TV sir, so she can see me and she will laugh again.

Beat. Okay, sir. Going home now. Uh, sir, you know, I walked all the way here and I lost my tsinelas already. I know the auditions are over, but if you please, if it’s okay, I’d like to recite the lines anyway. If it’s all right with you. I memorized the script sir and I walked for five days just to get here. Maybe you will just allow me just three minutes to say my monologue?

Beat. Thank you very much sir! Uhm, this is from the scene with Alan and Vernice at the beach! Alan pushes Vernice who is sitting on the wheel chair.

“Here you go, Vernice! Just like I promised you. I told you I’ll take you to the sea to watch the sunset.”

And Vernice says, “Oh, Kuya Alan! It’s so beautiful!”

And Alan says, “Yes. It is beautiful. Very beautiful.” And then they were both silent for a while, just watching the sunset.

Beat.

And then Vernice says, “Kuya Alan, where do people go when they die?”

And then Alan says, “Oi! Mama told us we should never talk about bad things! Only happy things!”

And Vernice says, “Mama’s not here. She can’t hear us. Please, Kuya, please tell me where I will go. Will it be the same place that Papa went?”

And Alan says, “I suppose. Yes. When Papa died, he went to The Very Happy Place.”

And Vernice says, “The Very Happy Place! I wish that’s where I will go, too.”

And Alan says, “Ah, I said Mama said don’t talk sad things already!”

And Vernice says, “Tell me about that happy place! Tell me what is there.”

And Alan says, “Ah, I think we should go back in now. The hamog will not be good for you.”

And Vernice says, “Please, Kuya. Please tell me about that happy place.”

And Alan says, “Okay. The happy place. That’s where Papa is now. It’s a beautiful place, like this one. Over there, you can watch the sunset as many times as you want, for as long as you want. And then you can swim in the sea. You can swim and swim and not drown. And the sea is sweet, not salty. You can even walk on water!

And there, you can dance. I bet that’s what Papa is doing now. He is dancing. There we will find the best Doctor for you and He will heal you and you will never have sickness again.

And there, you have a big-screen TV. Much bigger than our TV: 24 inches! And all the angels watch TV all the time.

And Vernice says, “All the time?!”

And Alan says, “Yes! All the time! You know what they are watching?”

And Vernice says, “What?”

And Alan says, “They’re watching you!”

And Vernice says, “Me?”

And Alan says, “Yes! They are watching you. They are watching you on TV as you laugh. And when you laugh your eyes sparkle like the stars and the place becomes brighter.”

But Vernice doesn’t hear what his kuya is saying anymore. Because at that moment, Vernice... Vernice dies. But, but Alan does not know. He just talks and watches the sun set and then when it was evening, Alan looked up, and he has never seen so many stars before. So many stars. The night was so bright. And Alan does not know that it is because the stars that used to reside in Vernice’s eyes already returned to the sky.

Sir, thank you for letting me recite the monologue even though there’s no more audition, sir. Let me get my bio-data back. You don’t need this anymore. I have a long way to walk to get back home.

-=-=-=-

Okay, that's it. That's not completely original. It's based on a scene I saw many years ago in a play by Repertory Philippines about a girl who walked all the way from the alps of Russia, I think, to audition for a play. It was played by Liesl Batucan and I can never forget the simple sincerity (or the sincere simplicity) with which she did it. Also I need to change the name because I know someone named "Vanz Perla" in real life.

PETA Summer Acting Workshop, Day 1

Lest I forget, I want to log in the lessons I learned in the PETA Summer Basic Acting Workshop I am currently enrolled in.

First, I am thankful that the instructor is Melvin Lee, whom I've had the privilege to work with many years ago in Tanghalang Pilipino's production of Himala the Musicale. He played the Priest, and Melvin can sing! What a voice! I also recall he led the best physical warm-ups for the company. Julia of PETA is his co-instructor.

Julia led us to isolation exercises, which I must list here so I don't forget. Head, neck, shoulders, arms, chest, hips, legs. Then the shake it all out with a shout exercise which we used to do in Teacher Ana Valdes-Lim's class.

Okay, we were made to find a partner, we did the Mirror Exercise, then the Sculpture & Clay. Then the... uh, let me call it, Add To The Scene, where one person improvises a pose and the next person adds to it, and the next and the next.

By the time I volunteered, it is no longer a frozen pose, but a movement, so all of us who were called to add to the improv should move. It was challenging and you need to keep thinking.

Then we were grouped and we were to make tableaus of something we were assigned (we chose from a random sheet of paper). We got: a basket that's about to break. Then the other teams are supposed to guess.

Okay, through these exercises we learned the elements of theatre which are: Line, Shape, Space, Movement, Texture, Sound, Rhythm and Color. All of which the Imagination is the limit.

Then some people stood up to do their monologues. They were lucky because their names got picked from sheets of folded paper. They were sorta uncomfortable to watch, but very brave! I resolve only to give positive feedback for whoever will do the scenes next. It's not easy to get up there and do a one-man scene!

Also, in my seat, I already thought of what monologue I'll do in case I get picked next. I'll post it here.

Thanks for listening.

What is an artist date?

A few days ago Dana tore off the front covers of a few of my softbound books. So I put her shoes on and we took a trip to the sari-sari stores to buy scotch tape. Dana enjoys spotting animals. She can identify "bird" and "'ats" (that's cats in Dana-speak, she always drops the 'k' sound, and she calls all dogs "ats").

Some of the stores were already closed so we walked around the block to Mercury Drug. We passed by a public school along Malakas Street and Dana laughed at the murals on the school walls. There were pictures of students smiling doing their homework and cleaning their surroundings with slogans such as "Clean and Green"--ideal, but far from reality. Dana enjoyed looking at them though and laughed at them with glee.

Note: I over-intellectualized. She simply enjoyed what she thought was amusing.

So it gave me an idea. We went to Arts Center on the fourth floor of Megamall. The current exhibition was portraits of musicians. There was one that my Dad would like: John Lennon and the Beatles. Dana didn't laught at the paintings though. So I went, hm... I thought she likes pictures?

There were bronze sculptures of ballerinas with exaggeratedly huge bums in dance poses. Dana laughed at those!

A-ha! Artist dates are meant to be what amuses you. What releases a childlike laugh from in you! I need that these days. Childlike laughter. Gleeful. Like a bird let out of its cage.

Bleat!

Inspired by an email from my Tita Rosella, and a url that my friend Ryan showed me, I am writing a blog on sheep. I'm not a shepherd but I know a lot about sheep because... well, I am one. And this sheep is in need of a shepherd.

I'm glad Jesus, the Good Shepherd, was willing to fill in the shoes.

According to sheep101.info, band together in large groups for protection. It is harder for a predator to pick up a sheep for dinner when it's in a flock. If it's a stray though, he's chicken feed.

And so, even though I resisted the idea of belonging to a d-group for the longest time, I now belong in one. Church community helps. I do know it's when Veck and I don't go attend d-group much that we quarrel more often. I also know that during rocky September last year, it was friends from the d-group who came to help us and pray for us.

Bleat Info: When one sheep moves, the rest will follow. When one sheep plunges down a cliff to its death, the rest jump, too. You bleat, I bleat. You jump, I jump.

Dumb, dumb, dumb... I shake my head at these sheep. But if I'm not careful, I follow the leader, too. I follow leading celebrities, leading TV shows, leading trends and pop psychology. I am easily swayed here and there. So as a dumb sheep, I ought to set my eyes on Jesus. I ought to follow Him. Not easy, but if He scales down a cliff, He'll be there. Maybe He'll even carry me on His shoulders.

Bleat Info: Sheep depend heavily upon their vision. Sheep have a very large pupil that is somewhat rectangular in shape. The eyeball is placed more to the side of the head, which gives sheep a much wider field of vision. With only slight head movement, sheep are able to scan their surroundings.

Perfect! But as Christians, we are admonished to live by faith, not by sight, and to fix our eyes on Jesus. I can be reading my Bible and I look up and voila! A world of stimuli ready to provide distraction. Or I can be at church and my eyes wander around: Who's going out with who? Oh, look, is that the new girlfriend? Oh, **** is coming this way. I certainly don't want to say Hi just right now.

Bleat Info: Sheep have poor depth perception (three dimensional vision), especially if they are moving with their heads up.

That explains it. I look at the outward appearance of people around me, and if I don't move closer, then I never get to know them better. Sometimes I don't even want to get there. Just surface is enough--and boom! I've made my mind up on judgments about this or that character. It also means I can be easily fooled.

Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart. Quite tough. I look at myself and I can't even see my own heart.

Bleat Info: Sheep have excellent hearing.

Excellent, it said. Now what am I listening to? The latest gossip? My own scheming thoughts? The chatter on TV? What was it that Jesus said? "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me." So I need to be careful what I listen to.

Bleat Info: Healthy sheep are almost always hungry. They will overeat, if we let them.

On my desk now is an empty bag of McDonald's large fries, a cup of Coke Zero, styro package of this morning's breakfast of rice and eggs, the empty carton box of Fillet O' Fish, a bottle of Lipton... and I am still hungry. Now I am thinking of caramel sundae. Wait! I just had DQ Caramel Sundae.

Why can't I be hungry for the things of God? Like peace, and justice, and compassion and love? Or how about cultivating a hunger for God's Word. The truth is, the hunger is there. It's built-in. It's a sign of health. But what I choose to fill that hunger inside me with can be unhealthy. I can choose to fill this deep sadness with sugar, sexual thoughts, bitterness. Or I can ask God to fill me.

Bleat Info: While sheep are generally a docile, non-aggressive animal, this is not usually the case with rams. Rams can be very aggressive and have been known to cause serious injuries, even death, to people. A ram should never be trusted, even if it is friendly or was raised as a pet.

People who have had the [un]fortunate privilege of getting to know me know I am not always brotherly. That I can hurt. I have hurt a lot of people in my life, and the people I love more often. The secret is sometimes I don't even regret hurting some people in my life. So yeah, I can't be trusted entirely. My heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked.

"Who really knows how bad it is?" Busted! But true.

"But I, the LORD, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve."

So what do I know then. Not much, really. I am as dumb as a ram. You know, I heard before that when a sheep is specially disobedient--like straying off to wolf territory in spite of repeated warnings--his shepherd would break his legs. Ouch! But that way he can't move out on his own any more. Then the shepherd takes this sheep, puts him on his shoulders, and carries him the entire time till his legs are healed enough.

Jesus carried my sins on the cross two thousand years ago. He said, "I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd sacrifices his life for the sheep."

I wonder how different my life would be with Jesus as my shepherd.

Psalm 23
1 The LORD is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.
2 He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
3 He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
4 Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,*
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.
5 You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the LORD
forever.

Lea Salonga... Second Chances

When emptiness is all there is to see
The joy that you once knew a distance memory
When the purpose of each morning is forgotten with each night
And it doesn’t seem to matter if you give up or you fight
Look again. That is when your world is about to change
Nothing in life is so permanent that love can’t rearrange

Second chances
Life is rich with second chances
Second songs with second dances, second melodies
For if you only got one shot
if what's for nothing's all you got
Your days will just be filled with single moments, single memories
But I believe hearts can conceive
Of more than one bright happy ending
Roads may split in two
You can’t go down both really fast
We know and yet we still forget
Our paths are never so unbending

Life has given you a second chance
Second chances
The world provides with second chances
New adventures, new romances, new responsibilities

For if you’re always looking back
Your eyes might miss the second track
You take no chances, seize no day, live no possibilities
But heart’s desire, hearts afire
A blaze you grow from a single ember
Yesterday turns toward tomorrow with brand new circumstance

What’s past is past but it’s not the last
We’re not alive to just remember

When life has said to you
"Not a chance, but two"

Life has granted you a second chance.

-=-=-=-=-

Beautiful song, isn't it? I feel there are some kinks in certain lines that need to be ironed out or re-written, like for a song that is positive there's a line that goes "You take no chances, seize no day, live no possibilities..." which is negative and quite didactic... but it is a beautiful song and Lea renders it beautifully.

It's from Allegiance the Musical, scheduled to come out on Broadway in 2012. I hope it becomes a hit and Lea earns another Tony for it. It's about the Japanese people. Well, that's as much as I know about the musical.

I post the song here because I want to believe that what the song says is true. That life IS filled with second chances. I'd love to have second chances at life. To take another shot at school, and mend relationships I've severed, erase regrets.

Playwrights are great teachers. They teach us about the world, about people, about ourselves. Read Shakespeare, Wilder, Rostand. Better yet, watch theatre! For example, PETA's Care Divas talked about the plight of OFWs in war-torn Israel... and about love. Recently World Theatre Project staged Macbeth, and it taught me what corruption is.

That's my advice today. Watch some theatre. I can't tell you for sure if life does give second chances. But when Allegiance comes out next year, we'll hear that from them and learn.