Pride stinks

I recently heard that pride is like body odor. If you have it, everyone around you knows except you. That was a revelation to me on many levels. When I heard it my face went like this: O_O

You mean a person with body odor doesn't know he stinks? What an awful fate that is! I always thought that it was that person's conscious decision to stink. I thought he decided that he's antisocial or mysoginistic that he swore never to take a shower or use a deodorant ever again. "I hate you, world! Here! Smell me!" Or maybe he hates the planet and so in expression of anti-environmentalism he decided to make his armpits his weapons of world pollution.

So then a person with B.O. doesn't know it? Wow. That's a whole new perspective for me. Has he not any friends who can tell him? That's not hard to imagine. But suppose he does have friends... don't you think they must tell? Or maybe they don't know because they have B.O. too and they're unconsciously outstinking each other?

Now I'm thinking about pride. The Bible says God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble. That's grace. That is God not allowing you to stink with pride so He is opposed to you so that you may change. In the pride-body odor analogy it also makes sense because Psalm 141 says, "May my prayer be set before you like incense." Now a humble man would recognize his need of God and would continually pray, hence God goes over to him and takes a good whiff. Humble men must really smell good to God as they keep on praying. Also of course since Jesus died and rose again for us, He has covered us with His righteousness, so that must smell pretty good to God, too.

Proverbs 6 says there are six things that the LORD hates and haughtiness is top of the list.

So pride stinks. And a good way to ward off pride is to practice the hygiene of humility. Show up before God and ask Him to examine your heart and just BE before Him. Get a heart check up. Besides, God is opposed to the proud so that may be an indicator when you begin to notice that He's being opposed to you (what a scary thought!) then there must be pride in your heart somewhere.

Andy Stanley's book: "Grace of God"

Andy Stanley has a new book called "Grace of God". I thought, Great. Another book on the subject. I already read Philip Yancey's satisfying treatise on it (What's so amazing about grace, Zondervan © 1992). Do I need to read any more?

The publishers of Stanley put on their website, Grace of God book.com, free downloadable pdfs of the first two chapters. I suggest you go take a look see and read them. It's amazing!

It's a shame that I need to be reminded about the grace I received about God, having supposedly embraced it since I was 12. But I do. In the first chapter, Andy shows me how the very first chapter of the Bible is already full of glimpses of God's grace... Imagine that! The act of creation is an act of God's grace. For artists, that says a lot. It's already by grace that I am given the talent to create art. And tracing it back to the original act of creation by the Great Artist, I realize I am given a great privilege and example to follow.

Finally, I need to be reminded about the grace I received because I am so prone to sinning. I forget how awful it feels after having sinned. But I do sin from time to time. I feel I deserve to jump off the bridge. That I totally blew it this time and I can't slink my way to God's presence with another "I'm sorry" but show up with a memorized Psalm 51 dramatic monologue. Then there are songs that help, like Matthew West's More or Casting Crown's East to West.

But finally, I know that what I need is to just really show up before God and, like Abraham did, place my trust in His Person, in His Son, in what He did on the cross before I was even born, how the stone was rolled away because the grave couldn't keep Him. I place my trust in Him that what He said He would do He really would. That while Jesus hung on the cross all of God's anger for what I have done (my lust, my unforgiving spirit, my murderous thoughts, my lies, my cheating) He bore. He bore the full brunt of it. And I am here, writing, tapping away at the keys and God declares me righteous. That the righteousness of Christ is credited or attributed to me.

It's just... wrong. Unfair. Renders me grasping for words. But what can I do about it? Even before I was born, God has decided that's the way to be. That's the way out for me... the way to be forgiven and saved. The Way to meet my deepest need.

And then that's not all. He gives me Himself. The Holy Spirit lives in me and makes certain changes and gives me the desire and the power to obey God's will (Philippians 2:13). What wouldn't I give to get a deal as good as this? But it's all part of the package I receive all by doing nothing and trusting that what I needed to give to get the deal has already been done--not by me, but by the Son.

I write this here now not to proselytize or pontificate. I write it because I need to be reminded what grace is. I am a cup full of holes that can't hold water and is therefore good for nothing. Grace is God taking me, hole-y as I am, and putting me under a waterfall and declares me "Holy." With all that water, I overflow.

For the knowledge of your name

If I knew your name I would cherish it.

I would pronounce it
ever so carefully
lavishing each syllable with love.

I'll hold it in my mouth
rolling it around, tasting
it the way I do each Christmas
candy I only have once
a year.

If I knew your name
I would write it in
margins
of my math papers
and bi-monthly reports.

I shall doodle
pretend to be a Cubist artist
draw your name like
graffiti on my bathroom wall.

If I knew your name
I'll rest my head on it
forsaking the pillow of my childhood.

But alas, I don't
and my world stays
dangerously the same.

Oh, for the knowledge, the thrill,
the magic mystery of
just knowing,
knowing
your name.

tick tock

[11:18:18 AM] Parang museum dito
[11:18:25 AM] Na apat na beses mo nang nalibot.
[11:23:33 AM] Ang sarap umawit sa Panginoon.
[11:23:43 AM] Gusto ko magsomersaults.
[11:24:00 AM] Baka ngayon mas kaya ko nang mag-split
[11:24:12 AM] tulad ng mga acrobat sa cirqus.
[11:24:22 AM] Ilang tsokolate na nakain ko.
[11:24:28 AM] Nagrereklamo na lalamunan ko.
[11:24:50 AM] Paano kaya umaakyat ang langgam sa dingding?
[11:24:58 AM] Gusto ko matuto mangisda.
[11:25:09 AM] Siyet. Ang bagal ng oras dito sa opis.

A frozen moment

In November 2010 ago NU 107 closed. They've gone off-air indefinitely. Someone told me it was management decision.

We happened to have passed by their office in Ortigas the evening they closed. There was a huge crowd outside. At that time I thought a rock star or some celebrity must have visited. Someone like Marc Abaya or Jett Pangan. I didn't know it was their last night on air.

I write now on the steps of their old office, empty now. The sing NU is gone. The glass doors reveal there's nothing inside but fluorescent lamps and empty chairs. So, even "nu" things come to an end.

I wonder how they ended. Did they throw a party and invited only loyal listeners and intimates? Did they hand out their CDs? Who got the Smashing Pumpkins?

My cousin of DOKI fame plays bass guitar and has had the privilege of guesting at NU to play "live." They went on at 10:00pm. I didn't catch it because I'm already fast asleep at that hour. In fact, I've never heard his band play. I'm an actor and he's never come to see my plays but we're both cool with that.

All our lives on this earth are at once ordinary and special. We define the specialness of the events of our lives. Going to work each morning maybe daily and ordinary (or dreaded, like the splash of cold water in the early morning shower). But this morning is also a moment that will never happen again. Yesterday I got up extra-early to get to work and rode in the same jeepney as Ryan, an officemate. Last night I got on a bus and I saw Tums, an old colleague in a doomed website I used to write for, whom I haven't seen in a long time. Things don't really happen the same way twice. Which is good. I never want to sit beside the same passenger with body-odor morning after morning.

Moments in our lives can be ordinary and extraordinary at the same time. What we call special may not be so with others. Accept this as truth. My first entrance and the moment I meet the audience; my cousin's basso solo hitting all the right notes at the right time every time. We cherish these moments and then we let go of them. That is what memory is.

It is every artist's responsibility to create memories by cherishing moments and then letting them go. That's what moves a painter to his easel... the memory of an image that is burned in his mind. The writer paints his picture with words; dancers with their bodies. Actors step on stage and becomes the image with words and their being. It's how we stand up to the impermanence of things and say, "We lived! We breathed! We were here, and this is how it was." The vibrations in the air and the NU radio waves that music created continues to resonate in our bodies and minds as memory.

I am not MacGyver

Of course, at six years old, I didn't know that. So I climbed to the top of our wardrobe, thrice as tall as I was, opened two umbrellas, and leapt off in a MacGyveresque stunt.

The very moment I jumped into the air I knew something was wrong. I wasn't parachuting slowly down to the ground. I was going down fast! Dangerously fast!

I landed on my ankles. It hurt like hell. I sincerely thought I was gonna die. I must've laid there prostate for a good twenty minutes because I couldn't move.

Then, like a soldier in battle, I crawled. My bed was just a few feet away but it took me forever to get there. When I did, I closed my eyes in relief.

I woke up the next day. I was conked out. My feet still worked. I thought it was a dream but the umbrellas were still on the floor. It was then that I decided that if I can't be MacGyver, I'll be Inspector Gadget.

Steps

My friend Ryan shared an observation of his to me a while back. He said it's easier to go down the stairs than it is to get up. But he noted that going down the stairs (or a hill) has more impact on our joints and knees than climbing up. Climbing up, on the other hand, has low impact and does more for our health by exercising our legs and cardio-vascular system.

He is using this as a metaphor for decisions. Going down is "the wrong way." Going wayward. Climbing up is "the right way," although you struggle and you wheeze and when you get to the top you puff and puff for breath only to look up and see there's more climbing to do and much farther to go.

The few times I climbed a mountain--the rock marble peak where I almost died at Lapus-Lapus Beach came to mind (that is also where I got baptized, so from near-death experience to a declaration of new life)--I remember the exhilaration of reaching the top. There's also a certain peace. You get clearheaded on a mountain peak.

Paul said, "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up" (Galatians 6.9).

During the times in my life I were going down (the wrong way), I hit rock bottom. In that proverbial place there's "no where to go but up." So it's not altogether a bad place because there I found the hand of God restoring me. It's only sad when we refuse to be helped and decide to stay in the bottom. Wallowing in self-pity has its charm and shadowy reward.

So whether you're climbing up or going down, it can be good because you're going someplace, discovering the world and yourself. Theodore Roethke said, "I learn by going where I have to go." If you think about this you become open-minded and open-hearted.You don't judge people you meet on your journey. Some are going up, some are going down, some are traveling alongside you, some go slower, others speed past you. It's okay. The important thing to know is we are all learning by going where we have to go, whether consciously or not.

But when you're on your journey and your tired and you gotta sit it out for a while, do so! Learn from the people passing by. Some would love to tell stories. You learn from storytellers who write their stories down for us, from actors who show us how human we are, from poets who show us how deeply we can penetrate life. You simply sat and rested, the way Nature does during winter. You get lessons from the outside, you process and learn from the inside. So then when you continue on your journey both your body and mind is refreshed.

Now whether you are resting or going on your journey, pray. Connect with the God who made the mountain you're in and the legs that carry you and the oxygen that fills your lungs. Pray and listen. God loves to talk to us.

- = -

Okay, I thought I should post one blog each day. It used to be I waited till I get a shimmering insight before I posted it here. Now I think, hey, it's a Blog. People use their blogs for a variety of reasons, even to sell their wares. Non-writers write on their blogs. People with cameras post their shots and instantly become photographers. Why can't I simply post here whatever is in the moment? I'd love every moment to be filled with meaning, but that's not what happens.

So I'll post here and be dull and boring and wasting cyberspace but at least I'll know I'm alive and my mind is wild and "boring" is just an excuse for fear of the present truth.

How my William audition went

I suppose you'd want to know how my William auditions went. I was not able to walk to PETA from home because of the weather. I planned to drop by DM's so we can go together, but when I texted he said he was still in the shower so I went on ahead.

When I got to PETA none of my BA classmates were there yet. I arrived around a quarter past three. I listed in, was number "9," and asked to take a seat in the waiting area. There was already a lot of people and some had the same idea I had: come in high school uniform.

I didn't wear my St. John's Academy uniform, no! Good luck if that would still fit even if I were able to find one that survived time. I approximated my uniform. I wore a sando and a white polo with a simple print design. I wore khaki slacks. I decided, because of the weather, not to wear my leather shoes. I used my rubber shoes. I was gunning for the Erwin Castro (matamlay at mahiyain, di katangi-tangi) role, so I thought rubber shoes will make me look plain and ordinary (not that I need help in that area).

I played Gloc 9's Walang Natira over and over again. I'd alternate between my rap piece and my monologue. I felt more comfortable and ready with my Shylock piece, so I focused on my rap. I still tripped over my lines. Soon, Dene Gomez came. He wore a long-sleeved white polo with a fashionable slim tie, black formal pants, and pointed leather shoes. He also carried a guitar. "Did you go to IS in high school?" I quipped. He admitted that was the look he was aiming for. Soon, Avery Salaya came, too.

There were so many people who auditioned that someone said that this was the biggest turnout that PETA has had for an audition yet. And I was called to go up at 6:30pm. Yep, 3 hours of being very nervous! Good thing because Veck and I were set to watch Care Divas that night at 8pm and I didn't want to miss that!

Avery was fooling around with me and singing Stupid Luv by Salbakuta and whenever I hear him sing it I forget the rhythm and tone of Walang Natira and would've to play it back again using my music phone. I use my wife's Samsung earphones and somehow the way they're built allows me to hear my own voice when I hum or sing along to a song I'm playing, so at least I know when I'm off-key. Melo Uy came to give us her support.

I also want to note that I was nervous, but not helplessly so. I was praying and praying and I didn't care anymore if people saw me with head bowed. I bumped into someone I met in PUP (I'm sorry I forget his name), and coincidentally he was doing the Shylock speech, too. (Dene was doing the same speech, too.) My acquaintance from PUP said he's not memorized his monologue yet so I lent him my codigo. He didn't return it though, but it was okay because at that time I didn't need it anymore.

Another boy in pink-striped longsleeves came up to me and said he was doing the same speech I was doing. When I asked him from what play, he said he wasn't sure. I asked, what role? He said he wasn't sure. I said recite some lines and when he said, "If you prick us, do we not bleed," I said, "Oh, yeah, you're doing Shylock from Merchant of Venice." Talk about coming prepared for an audition!

Soon I was called into Studio A for my turn. I was about ready to die. I wanted nothing else but to make a dash for the restroom and take a dump. Instead push open the studio doors and see Ron Capinding, the playwright, grinning like a happy camper. The director, Maribel Legarda, was among the panel and she was very nice and patient. I didn't recognize the rest of the panel, though.

I said, "Good evening, po."

Maribel said, "Oh, you're from Melvin's class! You're the lion! I enjoyed your showcase."

You can imagine how good I felt when she said that.

I decided to do my monologue first: make a good "first impression." I did my Shylock making sure I do it as far away from Al Pacino's interpretation as possible. I didn't want to be a copycat, and who knows? Maybe this would be the only opportunity in my whole lifetime that I get to be Shylock, even for just a few minutes.

Then came the rap part. I am not a singer but I am willing to learn. (What you just read is a disclaimer.) I am not comfortable with my singing. So when I opened my mouth, my voice shook. I tried to just "face the music" and go on with it and do my choreography alongside the rap, but I tripped, as expected, over the fast Tagalog words. Maribel said I can hold my lyrics, it's okay. I did, and I just went through the song as fast as I could.

Oh, they were all laughing all throughout. Yeah, I am that amusing when I try to sing. Like Shengka Mangahas said, "It's fun to make a fool of yourself." Well, fun for those who watch, I guess.

Then they made me sing the National Anthem, which I totally didn't expect. I only got through the first two stanzas and they laughed through it as well. (You would, too, if you were there.) Then they said amongst themselves, "Okay, he's a baritone."

Wow. I'm a baritone? Baritones are singers. If I'm a baritone and baritones are singers, therefore... yeah, I didn't do well in Logic 101.

So they asked me to stay and read TJ Domingo (makisig, atleta, mahina sa akademiko, siga), who is the polar opposite of Rico del Rosario when he was in third year high school, but hey, it's "acting." They handed me a script and told me to study scene 2. After a short while, they got enough auditionees to fill up all the roles in scene 2, which are the teacher, Miss Lutgarda Martinez, and the whole gang of students. I secretly envied the guy reading Erwin Castro, but TJ's a lot of fun, too. His lines are very funny and I made sure I hit my punchlines during our scene. (Who knows if this is the first and last time I get to do TJ or do a scene in William?) It felt good because I heard some people from the panel laugh. I tried to conjure in my memory how the biggest bully in my high school life behaved. His name is Betong de Guzman. He would threaten me with his fist if I didn't show him my test answers. One time I decided not to let him copy and it felt good. I wonder how he is now.

All in all we had fun, all six of us who did the scene together. Then I thanked the panel profusely, headed out and met Veck who was shopping for milk at a grocery store nearby. We ate at KFC and spotted Manila's theatre critic Gibbs Cadiz. We saw him later in the audience at Care Divas.

Well, about 11:06am the next day I woke up to my phone was ringing and the caller identified himself as Aaron from PETA and he was informing me that I'm due for a callback on June 28! Yay! I literally was jumping up and down after the phone call. Dene Gomez and Avery Salaya are in the callbacks, too. Also Neomi Gonzales, J-mee Katanyag, and Eji Carreon. Woot! Break a leg, guys!

My question is, what does one do to prepare for a callback? I certainly don't know. In the meantime, kee kaa kee kaa kee...

And do send us lots of good vibes so we make it through the callbacks! Thanks!

William Auditions Today O_O

I am going on an audition today for PETA's William, a play by Ron Capinding. I don't know the story but I think it's about high school students whose lives unwittingly mirror those of Shakespeare's immortal characters.

I am 29 years old. I'll turn 30 in August. And I'm auditioning for a 15- to 16-year old role. Well, it's the theatre.

I'm doing a rap song from Gloc 9 and for the life of me I can't do it without tripping over the words, so I have to be extra careful. I am not so worried about my Shylock speech ("If you prick us, do we not bleed") although I need to do choice hunts for that. I was planning to re-read Anne Rice's "Angel Time" to give me a picture of the sorry plight of Jews in history, but I ran out of time for that. Otherwise, my plan is to love Shylock. As another Jew by the name of Apostle Paul wrote: "Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them." So ayun. What I did was I read Merchant of Venice (nosebleeeeeed!) until I got to that part so I can understand where all of Shylock's anger is coming from. Truth is, not until I read all the preceding scenes did I understand what "To bait fish withal" means.

What also helped is a book I found in my library. I bought this last year from Books&Mags for P29.00. (Interesting, I'm 29 years old!) It's called "Shakespeare Alive!" by Joseph Papp and Elizabeth Kirkland. It's subtitle says: America's foremost theater producer brings Shakespeare's England to life." The book really helped me get a picture of the prejudice the Jewish people received in England, and suddenly I realized that Antonio was not cruel towards Shylock just as a theatrical device, but that he really is a product of his time, and he reflected the general or common feeling or attitude of the English towards the immigrant Jews during Shakespeare's time. I also began to understand why Shylock is in the moneylending business. (I plan to have Dene Gomez, who is doing the same speech for his audition, read the chapter on Jews in the book.)

I realize, slowly, that for the most part, Shakespeare's characters are really truly living and breathing three-dimensional people. I used to find it cheesy when actors talk about the characters in their plays as if they were real and living, as if what they read wasn't a script or play but a newspaper. Hello? Fiction, non-fiction! I recently had a dose of this when after a Titus Andronicus reading, I was listening to the conversation of Joel Saracho, Gwyn Guanzon and the director George de Jesus. That's how they talked about the play and the characters. As if Titus and Tamora and Aaron were in the showbiz section and they're commenting on the dirty business of their lives. Hey, a young actor learns!

For Gloc 9, I plan to walk all the way to PETA from my apartment and recite it all the way, as a warm-up and a desperate attempt to memorize the fast parts of "Walang Natira." This is my fault. I should have been reading the same amount of Filipino literature as English. Then my tongue would be used to our own language and not trip over the lines. I promise you, I can sing "Another Hundred People" from Company, or "Gangsta's Paradise" and not mess up the words. But I don't think those two would make good audition pieces. Besides, me, sing Sondheim? No.

Okay, I also wanted to say I fouled up two auditions I went to recently. The first was for a Samsung hosting event I didn't care about much because they'd have us dress up as Iron Man and deliver lines in that ken. Hyuk! I do wish their event a success. The casting director behaved as if he's good friends with Melvin Lee and Anton Juan, and then asked me to ham my acting up. Anyway, I read in a book if you don't feel "right" during the audition, if you don't feel good vibes in the working environment, most likely the actual rehearsal/production work would be worse.

The next was my audition for Upstart Production's Much Ado About Nothing. I did my assignment. I read the play. I dressed nice. I came on time. My mistake was, I relied on me. All on me. Me, me, me, and my abilities. Big mistake.

Jacob told Dan, his son, just about before he was to breathe his last, "Dan will govern his people, like any other tribe in Israel. Dan will be a snake beside the road, a poisonous viper along the path that bites the horse's hooves so its rider is thrown off." Amazing abilities, huh? Jacob was blessing his son and showing him his future. Looks like Dan has it good. But then Jacob interjects, "I trust in you for salvation, O LORD!"

See, trust in the LORD for salvation. Not in one's own blessings or abilities. That I didn't do. I came to Much Ado reading all "Oh, I can wing this. I can muscle my way through. No need for my daily morning meditation, no need for prayer. I'm uber-talented." Well, Joel Trinidad texted me and said, "No roles for you now. Maybe in July."

So I won't mess up today's auditions. Finally, here are some of my personal tips culled from personal experience when going to auditions.

01) Never leave God out of the picture. Include Him, make Him central to your art, your acting. He is the God of the Arts and the Theatre, after all.
02) "Don't think you are better than you realy are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us."
03) Offer your audition piece as a sacrifice to God.
04) Don't think it's an audition. Think of it as an actual performance. Have complete freedom and let your imagination soar in your own attack! Take the audition as a chance to do a scene study.
05) Come prepared. Theater companies would post what they expect, and you must try your best to meet their expectations. If they say come with a Shakespeare monologue and a rap song, be sure you have that and then some at your arsenal.
06) Breathe. Work out. Steam your vocal cords.
07) Don't make the audition about Yourself with a capital Y, although you really are selling yourself as an actor and artist. Try to focus on the character you are presenting in your monologue. That way you behave as if you've already got the part and you're presenting it before an audience.

I guess that's it. Now I'm off to practice what I preach. Boy, am I so nervous!

Psalm 145

Psalm 145 (New Living Translation)

A psalm of praise of David.
1 I will exalt you, my God and King,
and praise your name forever and ever.
2 I will praise you every day;
yes, I will praise you forever.
3 Great is the LORD! He is most worthy of praise!
No one can measure his greatness.

4 Let each generation tell its children of your mighty acts;
let them proclaim your power.
5 I will meditate* on your majestic, glorious splendor
and your wonderful miracles.
6 Your awe-inspiring deeds will be on every tongue;
I will proclaim your greatness.
7 Everyone will share the story of your wonderful goodness;
they will sing with joy about your righteousness.

8 The LORD is merciful and compassionate,
slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.

-=-=-=-

This isn't the complete psalm. I wanted to focus on verse 4. It says each generation must tell its children of God's mighty acts. So I'm starting this list and I'm sure it'll grow if I'm faithful to add to it. "No one can measure the greatness of our God" so I'm sure there'll be lots of mighty acts in my life that God would do. It is up to me to list them down here so I can pass it on.

So, when Dana is old enough to understand, I shall tell her about...

1) how God saved us through the flood of Ondoy
2) Veck and my trip to Indonesia
3) how I experienced unconditional love and experience from God through Veck
4) the day she was born
5) the day I was born again

The Audition... the showcased version

Here is, more or less, the version I performed in my monologue tonight at class. Notice the changes.

I would like to express my appreciation to all my classmates who gave such wonderfully kind comments about my performance. Most special thanks for Teacher Melvin Lee. You rock!

-=-=-=-=-

E Hi, sir. Hands piece of paper to auditioner.

Ah, on the X, sir? Stands on the X.

My name is Vanz, sir. Vanz Perlas. Where I come from, sir? I come from Pangasinan, sir. There are many Perlas in Pangasinan, sir. Our whole family sir, is Perlas. That’s our family name. Perlas like the pearl.

Beat. Oh, this? I actually borrowed a polo barong from my neighbour but I fell asleep on the bus and someone stole my bag, sir.

Beat. Oh, these? Looks at his bare feet. Uh, because sir when my bag got stolen, sir, my money was in it. And then the conductor found out I have no money to pay for ticket so he kicked me out. I walked the rest of the way sir, but on the fifth day of walking my tsinelas gave way na, sir. They were broken. I was walking like this like this and then I realized it’s better to just throw away both tsinelas so I have no more tsinelas, see? Shows black feet.

I am 17 years old now, sir. Uhm, what I came here for? I came here to audition, sir. I heard you have audition. Beat. Uh, I saw it on the TV sir. “Looking for Pinoy with talent.” Sir, I’m pinoy and I’m with talent.

Beat. Oh, no sir, I have no acting experience. This is my first time to audition.

Beat. What, sir? The auditions are over? Beat. The auditions was yesterday, sir? Oh, no! Two Yesterday, sir, I was still walking down NLEX so I can get here. Beat. Sir, maybe you can give me a chance. I really want to be an actor, sir. Beat.

Okay, sir. I’ll go home now. You know, sir, it’s for my sister, really. I told her she will see me on TV and she said if she sees me on TV she will laugh. That’s why I’m here sir. I want to be on TV. I already memorized the script sir.

Beat. Yes, sir, I’m going now. You know what, sir, my sister? She is my most beautiful sister in the world. You know, my mom used to say, “Ay! How beautiful my baby girl! Just like her mother!”

And then my dad, he will say, “When your little sister was born the night sky became darker.” I would say, “Why did the sky grow darker, Tatay?” And he will say “Because God took some of the stars down from heaven and put them in your sister’s eyes.”

It’s true, sir! My sister is beautiful. Especially when she laughs. There are stars in her eyes that sparkle when she laughs.

Beat. Yes, sir. Right, sir. I understand you’re not interested. You know, sir. My sister cannot read, so I read to her. I love to read her stories. And when I read to her she laughs. Then one day my Tatay brought home a large-screen color TV sir. Twelve inches. I promised her she’ll see me on TV. I will dance like Jan-Jan the boy macho dancer! But you know you said the audition was yesterday and yesterday I was still in NLEX so I’m going home now, sir.

Beat. My sister is sick, sir. There is no medicine in the drugstore that can cure her. When my sister got sick, she stopped laughing sir. And then we can’t see the stars in her eyes anymore. That’s why I want to be on TV sir, so she can see me and she will laugh again.

Beat. Okay, sir. Going home now. Sorry for wasting your time, sir. Uh, sir, you know, I walked all the way here and I lost my tsinelas already. I know the auditions are over, but if you please, if it’s okay, I’d like to recite the lines anyway. If it’s all right with you. I memorized the script sir and I walked for many days just to get here. Maybe you will just allow me just three minutes to say my monologue?

Beat. Thank you very much sir! Uhm, this is from the scene with Alan and Vernice at the beach! Alan pushes Vernice who is sitting on the wheel chair.

Curtain!

“Here you go, Vernice! Just like I promised you. I told you I’ll take you to the sea to watch the sunset.”

And Vernice says, “Oh, Kuya Alan! It’s so beautiful!”

And Alan says, “Yes. It is beautiful. Very beautiful.” And then they were both silent for a while, just watching the sunset and the waves and the sand.

Beat.

And then Vernice says, “Kuya Alan, where do people go when they die?”

And then Alan says, “Oi! Mama told us we should never talk about sad things! Only happy things!”

And Vernice says, “Mama’s not here. She can’t hear us. Please, Kuya, please tell me where I will go. Will it be the same place that Papa went to?”

And Alan says, “Ah, I think we should go back in now. The hamog will not be good for you.”

And Vernice says, “Please, Kuya. Please, tell me about the Very Happy Place...”

And Alan says, “Okay. The happy place. That’s where Papa is now. It’s a beautiful place, like this one. Over there, you can watch the sunset as many times as you want, for as long as you want. And then you can swim in the sea. You can swim and swim and not drown. And the sea is sweet, not salty. You can even walk on water!

And there, you can dance. I bet that’s what Papa is doing now. He is dancing. You know how Papa dances? Maybe we should dance now!

And Vernice says, “Oh, Kuya, stop teasing!”

And Alan says, “Please, may I have this dance?” He whirls him around ta-raa-ta-raraaa... “You know what else is in the Very Happy Place? There we will find the best Doctor for you and He will heal you and you will never have sickness again.

“And there, you have a big-screen TV. Much bigger than our TV: 24 inches! And all the angels watch TV all the time. “

And Vernice says, “All the time?!”

And Alan says, “Yes! All the time! You know what they are watching?”

And Vernice says, “What?”

And Alan says, “They’re watching you!”

And Vernice says, “Me?”

And Alan says, “Yes! They are watching you. They are watching you on TV as you laugh. And when you laugh your eyes sparkle like the stars and the place becomes brighter.”

But Vernice doesn’t hear what his kuya is saying anymore. Because at that moment, while Alan was talking about the angels and Vernice’s smile, at that moment Vernice... Vernice dies. But, but Alan does not know, so he keeps on talking and talking and talking. He just talks and watches the sun set and then when it was evening, Alan looked up, and he has never seen so many stars before. So many stars. The night was so bright. And the reason is—the reason is—the stars that used to reside in Vernice’s eyes already returned to the sky.

Sir, thank you for letting me recite the monologue even though there’s no more audition, sir. Thank you. You are very kind. Let me get my bio-data back. You don’t need this anymore. I have a long way to walk to get back home. Exits.

-=-=-=-=-

I can't remember everyone's comments, but Teacher Melvin said it would've been more effective if I had done it in Filipino. I quite agree to that but I've always been afraid of the language and tripping over the syllables and not sounding right. So I took the "easy" route and did it in English.

Also, he said it would've been stronger if they really did not allow him to just say the lines anyway. The choice was not compelling enough--hence it was neither believable. Teacher Melvin asked, "What if they were already packing up and closing up and with all urgency you just plunged ahead and did the monologue without anyone's permission?"

That gave me food for thought. Maybe I was just really afraid of that moment. Maybe I'm not THAT courageous to plunge into theatre no matter how much I love it--if I'm not given permission to. This is weird. I am 29 years old, clearly an adult. Who do I need permission from to do what I love? Quite an insight!

Finally, some craft bits: I should have made the delineation between Vanz and Alan clearer by making choices for Alan/Vernice scene that make it look more like an audition, because Vanz and Alan, as far as my characterization goes, were too close to each other, and I must separate them far enough so that the *match in their stories... when they become one... becomes more dramatic. Ugh! I've a lot of work on that one! If I want to be a good actor, I must kill laziness.

Or give laziness a space in my life. One hour a week of pure laziness. That'll be its space and no more.

Finally, and this is a shoutout to all Christian artists out there, always involve God in your creative process--whatever it is. If you're the actor who works outside in or inside out, ask God to help you. God is the Creator, the Inventor of Theatre. Rely on Him for ideas and to breathe life into your piece.

"The Audition"

Hi, sir. Hands piece of paper to auditioner.

Ah, on the X, sir? Stands on the X.

My name is Vanz, sir. Vanz Perlas. Where I come from, sir? I come from Pangasinan sir. There are many Perlas in Pangasinan, sir. Our whole family sir, is Perlas. That’s our family name. Perlas like the pearl.

Beat. Oh, this? I actually borrowed a polo shirt from my neighbour but I fell asleep on the bus and someone stole my bag, sir.

Beat. Oh, these? Looks at his bare feet. Uh, because sir when my bag got stolen, sir, my money was in it. And then the conductor found out—we were still in Pampanga—I have no money to pay for ticket, so he kicked me out. I walked the rest of the way sir, but on the fifth day of walking my tsinelas gave way na, sir. They were broken. So I have no more tsinelas, see? Shows black feet.

I am 20 years old now, sir. Uhm, what I came here for? I came here to audition, sir. I heard you have a movie, sir, and I want to audition. Beat. Uh, I saw it on the TV sir. “Looking for Pinoy with talent.” Sir, I’m pinoy and I’m with talent.

Beat. Oh, no sir, I have no acting experience. This is my first time to audition.

Beat. What, sir? The auditions are over? Beat. The auditions were three days ago? Oh, no! Three days ago, sir, I was still walking along SLEX so I can get here. Beat. Sir, maybe you can give me a chance. I really want to be an actor, sir. Beat.

Okay, sir. I’ll go home now. You know, sir, it’s for my sister, really. I told her she will see me on TV and she said if she sees me on TV she will laugh. That’s why I’m here sir. I want to be on TV. I already memorized the script sir.

Beat. Yes, sir, I’m going now. You know what, sir, my sister? She is the most beautiful sister in the world. You know, my mom used to say, “Ay! How beautiful my baby girl! Just like her mother!”

And then my dad, he will say, “When your little sister was born the night sky became darker.” I would say, “Why?” And he will say “Because God took some of the stars down from heaven and put them in your sister’s eyes.”

It’s true, sir! My sister is beautiful. Especially when she laughs. There are stars in her eyes that sparkle when she laughs.

Beat. Yes, sir. I’m going home now, sir. You know, sir. My sister cannot read, so I read to her. I love to read her stories. Then one day my dad gave her a gift. A large-screen color TV sir. Twelve inches. I promised her she’ll see me on TV. I will dance like Jan-Jan the boy macho dancer! But you know you said the audition was three days ago and three days ago I was still in C5 so I’m going home now, sir.

Beat. My sister is sick, sir. We have no money to pay for her medicine. When my sister got sick, she stopped laughing sir. And then we can’t see the stars in her eyes anymore. That’s why I want to be on TV sir, so she can see me and she will laugh again.

Beat. Okay, sir. Going home now. Uh, sir, you know, I walked all the way here and I lost my tsinelas already. I know the auditions are over, but if you please, if it’s okay, I’d like to recite the lines anyway. If it’s all right with you. I memorized the script sir and I walked for five days just to get here. Maybe you will just allow me just three minutes to say my monologue?

Beat. Thank you very much sir! Uhm, this is from the scene with Alan and Vernice at the beach! Alan pushes Vernice who is sitting on the wheel chair.

“Here you go, Vernice! Just like I promised you. I told you I’ll take you to the sea to watch the sunset.”

And Vernice says, “Oh, Kuya Alan! It’s so beautiful!”

And Alan says, “Yes. It is beautiful. Very beautiful.” And then they were both silent for a while, just watching the sunset.

Beat.

And then Vernice says, “Kuya Alan, where do people go when they die?”

And then Alan says, “Oi! Mama told us we should never talk about bad things! Only happy things!”

And Vernice says, “Mama’s not here. She can’t hear us. Please, Kuya, please tell me where I will go. Will it be the same place that Papa went?”

And Alan says, “I suppose. Yes. When Papa died, he went to The Very Happy Place.”

And Vernice says, “The Very Happy Place! I wish that’s where I will go, too.”

And Alan says, “Ah, I said Mama said don’t talk sad things already!”

And Vernice says, “Tell me about that happy place! Tell me what is there.”

And Alan says, “Ah, I think we should go back in now. The hamog will not be good for you.”

And Vernice says, “Please, Kuya. Please tell me about that happy place.”

And Alan says, “Okay. The happy place. That’s where Papa is now. It’s a beautiful place, like this one. Over there, you can watch the sunset as many times as you want, for as long as you want. And then you can swim in the sea. You can swim and swim and not drown. And the sea is sweet, not salty. You can even walk on water!

And there, you can dance. I bet that’s what Papa is doing now. He is dancing. There we will find the best Doctor for you and He will heal you and you will never have sickness again.

And there, you have a big-screen TV. Much bigger than our TV: 24 inches! And all the angels watch TV all the time.

And Vernice says, “All the time?!”

And Alan says, “Yes! All the time! You know what they are watching?”

And Vernice says, “What?”

And Alan says, “They’re watching you!”

And Vernice says, “Me?”

And Alan says, “Yes! They are watching you. They are watching you on TV as you laugh. And when you laugh your eyes sparkle like the stars and the place becomes brighter.”

But Vernice doesn’t hear what his kuya is saying anymore. Because at that moment, Vernice... Vernice dies. But, but Alan does not know. He just talks and watches the sun set and then when it was evening, Alan looked up, and he has never seen so many stars before. So many stars. The night was so bright. And Alan does not know that it is because the stars that used to reside in Vernice’s eyes already returned to the sky.

Sir, thank you for letting me recite the monologue even though there’s no more audition, sir. Let me get my bio-data back. You don’t need this anymore. I have a long way to walk to get back home.

-=-=-=-

Okay, that's it. That's not completely original. It's based on a scene I saw many years ago in a play by Repertory Philippines about a girl who walked all the way from the alps of Russia, I think, to audition for a play. It was played by Liesl Batucan and I can never forget the simple sincerity (or the sincere simplicity) with which she did it. Also I need to change the name because I know someone named "Vanz Perla" in real life.