Amazing grace

When I think about God's grace long enough, like really spend time meditating on it, I weep. It happens mostly at church, while listening to the Sunday message. It happens when I spend enough time with the Bible. It also happens at odd times. I may be walking down the street or riding the bus and there! It hits me, and I cry. I cry because, immersed in God's grace, I am filled with gratitude for Him. Realizing I don't deserve what I already have and the blessings yet to come, I am humbled and grateful.

I wish I can say I am filled with love for Him, but that's not always the case. Sometimes I don't know if I love God. Like really love Him. Sometimes I feel that I love Him. But I know feelings are fleeting. Sometimes, when I do ministry, I don't necessarily feel any emotional attachment to Him. How does God know that I love Him? How do I know that I love Him?

These passages come to mind: "If you love me," Jesus is speaking, "you will obey what I command."

And then there's King Amaziah who did what was pleasing in the LORD's sight, but not wholeheartedly.

So how do I know if I love God with my whole heart and soul and mind and strength? I'm sure only the Holy Spirit can tell for sure.

But I was talking about God's grace. It brings me to tears because each time it hits me, I realize how much I don't deserve it. First, I am a sinner. Not only that, I am a sinner from an island in the Far East. I have not a drop of Jewish blood in me. And yet, Gentile sinner that I am, Jesus shed His blood for me before I was even born. God has already provided the Way for my salvation. Now my family has come to worship Him.

Grace is being given something undeserved. No strings attached. Being shown kindness when you've been unkind. Being helped when you can't give anything back in return. That's what happened at Calvary many years ago. I deserve to die because I am a sinner but Jesus, the sinless Lamb of God, died in my place. He took my sins upon Him. And He placed His righteousness upon me. Plus, I get to spend eternity with Him.

God's grace also shows up in amazing ways. Ondoy came and we got hit. (One day, I'll be able to tell the story, when the trauma has abated. I promise you. The story will glorify God.) Months after Ondoy, I am having a hard time writing. It wasn't so easy as before. There's a clog, a plug, a block. Writing for me now feels like banging my head on the wall, asking for inspiration, as if the words will come out when I have banged my head sufficiently enough that the blood breaks through my skin. I realize, this difficulty, is God's grace, too.

Suzanne, a friend of mine, who got flooded, too, years ago and lost everything she owned then, tells me to take it easy. An artist herself, she tells me it took her at least three months before she was able to try returning to the routine of daily writing. She said I shouldn't jump the gun. This seeming writer's block I'm going through is normal.

God knows me. God knows I will strive and strive to write. He also knows that if I couldn't write with ease as I am wont, I would punish myself severely. Left on my own I would push myself to get things back to normal sooner rather than in its own time; rushing for results instead of taking stock, taking it slowly, allowing myself to heal after the tragedy. God's grace shows up by limiting my creative output so I don't damage myself unnecessarily. I am forced to be still, to stoke up energy, to enjoy His presence.

God's grace also shows up when, at the crucial time, creativity flows. Just now I was asked to collaborate for two Christmas presentations, one for kids, one for grown-ups, both evangelistic. I would have loved to say "No, not now, I'm convalescing. I am currently blocked right now. Go ask somebody else..." but then there is in me the longing to do this for Jesus, and to minister to people.

So I say yes to these opportunities to share the Gospel. And here, suddenly, in a situation where I need to create with my broken artist's spirit, I turn to God. I went for a morning walk, and there met God's grace.

His Spirit spoke, "Call Ophel. Ask her if she's willing to shelf her script for the moment. Suggest to do Luke 15. Now, email NxtGen and tell them your concept for the Celebration. Tell them it's a collaboration. Everyone will give their input..." I get creative ideas again. The Director is giving this actor directions again. He is letting His voice be heard like before. That is God's grace in my book.

I go online and I get to chat and open my heart to my brother. I tell him about some resentments, fears, doubts. I feed on his faith and am strengthened. That is grace, too.

And yes, I am moved to tears.